Crushed
by simplymondler
Summary: Monica has discovered her feelings for Chandler too late. The man that was meant to be hopeless with women was suddenly doing well, very well and she could do nothing but watch from the sidelines. When you're forced to watch your crush day in and day out with another woman it hurts. It crushes you. Mondler AU.
1. Chapter 1

Crushed

Monica has discovered her feelings for Chandler too late. The man that was meant to be hopeless with women was suddenly doing well, very well and she could do nothing but watch from the sidelines. When you're forced to watch your crush day in and day out with another woman it hurts. It crushes you. Mondler AU. Angst...in case you hadn't figured that out.

A/N - hey guys I'm back and for once it isn't Chandler with the crush! I know, it surprised me too! This is my attempt at an alternative season 4 with Monica being the main focus. It's about 8-10 chapters and is mostly all written but the ending needs a good rework...although I'm kinda holding off a little in case I lose you all before the end of this...but hopefully not...we'll wait and see...anyhow, onto part 1...

* * *

"That would never happen," Chandler laughed that rich laugh of his and Monica couldn't resist turning her head to discreetly study him.

The light from the television flickered across his smiling relaxed face in the otherwise darkened room. His hair was mussed in that cute way he kept doing lately, the way she loved it. His eyes were creased in the corners, that perfect shade of blue dancing and filled with so much love…love that was not aimed at her.

"Oh sush, it so could happen," the woman that the love _was_ directed at laughed at him and he cuddled her closer, kissing the top of her head before letting his fingers lazily stroke through the short red strands.

Monica swallowed, looking away trying to force her attention back onto the movie they were all watching and away from the happy couple that had started to make out in the overstuffed chair. Her insides clenched; that used to be _their_ chair.

Chandler used to always snuggle up to Monica in that chair, his arm flung over her shoulders making her feel so warm and comfortable. They had lazy days lounging on it, emotional midnight talks on it, crying, hugging, laughing, snuggling...they'd done it all on their chair...but not now, not any more.

Now he had Kathy.

And Kathy made him happy.

And it was good he was happy she reminded herself, trying to push the gut-wrenching sadness aside. It wasn't his fault that his current happiness was causing her current misery, that unknowingly his Yin was her Yang.

No she couldn't blame him. It was _her_ problem.

Suddenly there was a quiet giggle and unable to stop herself, Monica looked over at them once again, catching him whispering in her ear and chuckling deeply. Flirting. His hand was subtly moving up his girlfriend's thigh and she kissed him again, her hand on his gorgeous cheek, her perfectly painted nails caressing his no doubt perfect skin.

There was some more secret whispering before they untangled quickly, jumping up from the chair, "We're just gonna..." he gestured to the door, his hand still tightly gripping Kathy's as they hurriedly made it to the exit, not even bothering to come up with an excuse as they left.

At least she wouldn't have to watch them and listen to them…but now they were across the hall doing even more things to each other and making even more noise. She screwed up her face, unsure which was worse. Damn it, why did she have to fall for Chandler? Why did she have to wait and do it when he had a girlfriend? When for the first time in a longtime he was happy and in love and had possibly found his 'one'?

It wasn't fair.

And all signs pointed that he was gonna stay with Kathy, Monica was sure of that. She'd probably even get him over his commitment issues and marry him; they'd live the dream and have a couple of kids, settling down in a large house in the suburbs complete with the cliched white picket fence.

And Monica? She'd die an old bitter maid, or an old bitter spinster cook at least. She cracked an ironic smile as she remembered her conversation with Chandler outside the coffee shop all those months ago. How so much had changed since then. She desperately wished she could turn back time, back to that moment and the weekend that had followed. If she had changed her answer, just once, maybe it would be different now? Maybe she would be the one across the hall with him, giggling happily as his no doubt talented hands worked their magic...

She sighed heavily in regret; how had she not seen what was in front of her until it was too late?

"It's weird seeing him so happy," Phoebe commented suddenly, causing Monica to look over at her friend, "he's like a little happy puppy! Are you sure you're alright with it, Joey?"

"Fine," he shrugged around a mouthful of popcorn, "it was weird at first but I'm used to it now. Plus, when Chandler gets some it benefits me too as he's less cranky. Besides, I'm still getting plenty of sex anyway, so," he shrugged, "it doesn't really bother me."

Monica tried to hide her wince, wishing it didn't really bother her. She didn't want to imagine Chandler 'getting some' unless it was with her...which she did unfortunately imagine...way too often in fact. She was unable to stop herself imagining it, even dreaming about it repeatedly. She'd gotten carried away with that damn diagram a few weeks ago. Closing her eyes she'd imagined Chandler with her, pleasuring her, picturing them together so vividly in her mind's eye…only to crash back to the crappy reality, he wasn't ever going to touch her that way, he was going to use what she'd taught him to please Kathy.

Kathy.

She screwed up her face, not wanting to imagine Chandler remembering the numbers and using them to please his girlfriend.

It really wasn't fair.

"How long do you think it will be before he screws it up?" Rachel asked casually.

Guilty hope fluttered in Monica's chest; she knew it shouldn't. It wasn't fair to wish any unhappiness on him, he was her best friend and he was happy, that was the important thing. She had to force herself to remember that. Chandler's happiness was key.

"I think she's a keeper," Ross commented, unknowingly causing her small piece of hope to shatter and her stomach to sink. "She's a definite improvement on Janice."

"Hello Chandler Bing!" Phoebe did her usual impression and everyone laughed, everyone except for Monica.

She needed to be doing something other than talking about Chandler's lovelife, past or present and she'd missed too much of the movie to try and get back into it. She looked around, looking for anything to do. Cleaning was her usual vice but that would look weird in front of the others; it was Friday night and the apartment was already 'Monica' clean.

Stifling her sigh, she noticed there were some empty glasses and plates lying around, so she got up and started to clear those.

"Hey, I'm still eating here!" Joey protested and Monica blinked, releasing his plate quickly.

"Sorry," she mumbled, knowing Phoebe and Rachel were exchanging glances, again.

They were worried about her, she knew that. They kept asking again and again if she was ok and again and again she'd lie with a simple 'I'm fine.' And the subject would reluctantly be dropped...until the next time.

Monica knew though it wouldn't be long before she caved and admitted everything to them, maybe even tonight. She desperately needed their support. She was finding it harder and harder to hide, harder and harder to cope with; who knew unrequited love could be so crappy? That crushes could actually crush you.

She cleared away the few things she could, pleased that the conversation had been dropped and the others were half watching the movie and half watching Joey's hamster impression-stuffing his cheeks full of popcorn. Phoebe squeezed them causing a couple of pieces to come flying out of his mouth and everyone laughed. She tried to crack a smile when Rachel looked her way but she suspected it wasn't quick or realistic enough.

It wasn't long before the boys left. Ross to head home and Joey to walk with him to the nearest bar and see if there were any drunk women looking for a mysterious midnight man to go home with. She shook her head, Joey would never change. Once the door closed behind them an uncomfortable silence settled between the girls and Monica swallowed, knowing they were trying to find the best way to broach the subject yet again.

They shouldn't have worried though as Monica knew it was time to talk to them. Time to give in and confide in them and seek their much needed comfort and support. The little crush she'd kept from them, the crush she could totally handle, hadn't disappeared. Instead it had snowballed, going from crush, to madly in-love, faster than she'd been prepared for. The last month had been so tough on her, trying to keep her emotions reigned in in front of them all.

She had always considered herself strong, but at the moment she was seriously questioning that judgement. She had been worn down and needed their support. She needed them to get her through this one because her usual source of comfort, the one person she so desperately wanted, that she hopelessly longed for, wasn't an option.

Taking a deep breath, she turned to face them and before they could even ask she slumped her shoulders defeated.

This was it.

"I'm in love with Chandler," she blurted out, causing their heads to shoot up and look directly at her, their eyes wide.

With a resigned sigh she left the kitchen area and joined them on the couch, waiting for the inevitable fallout from her confession.

"Chandler?" Rachel repeated, clearly shocked. "Our Chandler?"

Monica nodded sadly.

"Since when?" Phoebe asked, a little gentler than Rachel had been.

"About the time he was busy falling in love with Kathy," she admitted quietly, "ironic, huh?" She tried to smile but it crumbled quickly.

Rachel pulled her into a hug as Phoebe stroked her back, "Is that why you've been so down lately?" she asked.

"Pretty much," Monica nodded, feeling her eyes fill with fresh tears, "falling hopelessly in love with one of your best friends when he's happy and touchy-feely with someone else isn't exactly easy."

"Oh sweetie, I know," Rachel nodded sadly, "I remember how much it sucked when I saw Ross at the airport with Julie. And every time I saw them hold hands or kiss or..."

Monica squeezed her eyes shut against images of Chandler and Kathy holding hands, kissing, doing whatever they were doing right now...and nodded in agreement. It sucked alright.

"You should have told us sooner," Phoebe scolded lightly as she handed her some tissues, "we could have helped."

"I know," she confessed quietly, gratefully accepting the tissue and wiping her eyes, "I thought I could handle it. That it was just a fleeting crush and it would just pass and that over time everything would go back to being normal again."

"It hasn't?" Rachel guessed sympathetically.

She shook her head, trying to stop the tears. She hated crying.

"It's got worse," she admitted. "It's just got harder and I...I just don't know what to do anymore."

"Look," Rachel said, "it's not that late and it's Friday night. Let's turn it into a girly one. We've already got films, there's a stash of chocolate in the cupboard that Joey hasn't found yet and there's a couple bottles of wine. Phoebe, you can borrow some of my PJs...let's have a good time."

Monica smiled through the tears, beyond grateful, "That sounds perfect. Thank you guys."

* * *

It had been perfect. Her friends had been amazing, supplying her with just the right amounts of alcohol, sympathy and cheesy movies to help start to heal her. She'd found herself genuinely laughing and smiling for the first time in what felt like forever. It had been a late but satisfying night and when she had turned in she'd slept soundly; Chandler hadn't made a single appearance in any of her dreams.

She felt…lighter almost. As if no longer having to keep it a secret from everyone made it a smaller, less significant secret. The weight now shared among the three of them.

"Hey!"

"Hey," she replied throwing a genuine smile at Chandler as he bounded through her front door.

Monica was still in love with him. He still caused the butterflies and rapid heartbeat within her, but that was ok. She just had to hide it from him and then she could go and vent to the girls about how hard it was. The fact she had support waiting for her made it that much easier.

She'd get through this.

"You've certainly cheered up," Chandler observed, grinning as he collapsed next to her, his side squishing into hers.

"Yeah," she agreed.

Like Phoebe and Rachel, Chandler had suspected something wasn't right with her recently. He may have been busy being all loved up but he'd noticed and tried to talk several times with her but she'd done her best to lie and dismiss it, dismiss him.

"What's changed?" he asked curiously, reaching over her to grab a chip from the bowl in her hands.

"We had a girly night," she shrugged, trying to play it down, "whatever grump I was in, I'm not now."

"You had a girly night without me?" he asked in mock outrage, causing her to giggle.

"Sorry, I'll ensure you get invited next time," she teased bumping his shoulder.

She'd tried to avoid alone time with him and now sitting here, just the two of them, she realized how much she'd missed it.

"Make sure you do," he smiled that smile and she felt herself getting lost in his baby blues, "actually next time, could you maybe do me a favor and invite Kathy?" She tensed, praying he wouldn't notice the sudden tension, "I really want you guys to like her as much as I do...well not _quite_ that much but ya know get her more established in the group. I'm hoping she'll be around for a long time."

"S-sure," she stuttered, the weight settling back onto her once again heavy shoulders. Keeping her emotions from Chandler was still going to be hard she sadly realized. Trying to push down her feelings she pushed herself up off the chair, away from him and headed to the fridge in the pretence of getting a drink.

"You o-k?" she could hear the frown in his voice but purposely didn't look at him.

"Yeah, great," she lied, "just fancied some soda."

"Oh, ok..." again she could hear his confusion. She could tell that he could tell she wasn't ok. Would he call her on it? Try and dig deeper? "Oh, I was thinking, Kathy's new play is opening next Friday. Do you wanna come see it with me?"

He looked so proud of Kathy that she swallowed, looking away again quickly. She couldn't go watch his girlfriend star in a play. The thought of watching her on stage, watching her with jealous eyes whilst having an excited Chandler sitting next to her whispering to her repeatedly how fantastic Kathy was throuhgout. Then the evening would no doubt round up with having to wait around backstage for the star to emerge to hug and kiss Chandler as he congratulated her before they all shared a cab home. They wouldn't be able to keep their hands off each other and she'd be a third wheel sitting depressed in the corner trying to look at anything but them until they got home and barely remembered to throw a good night over their shoulders as they hurried into his apartment to do stuff.

"No!" she blurted out causing Chandler to frown at her.

"No?" he questioned.

"No...um, I'm, uh working Friday," she played with the drink in her hands.

"Oh, ok, no biggie," he tried, still aware of the tension in the air between them but not understanding it. "I can just take Ross or someone."

He was still watching her carefully and she knew that, trying to act as normally as possible.

"It's exciting she's in her own play," she tried, hoping to distract him with his favorite subject. Kathy. The man could unfortunately talk about her for hours.

Chandler remained silent though, still frowning as his eyes studied her.

"Ye-ah," he finally spoke. "Monica, what's wrong? You were the happiest I'd seen you in weeks and now I've brought you back down. What did I do?"

She'd love to tell him. Tell him it's what he didn't do was the problem but she couldn't do that. It wouldn't be fair to what him and Kathy had and would make things even more awkward. Plus, she ran the risk him hating her, or him telling Kathy who might ban him from seeing her, and then he'd leave the group, leave her. She couldn't bear the thought of that.

"Nothing," she lied no doubt badly. "Maybe I can come and watch one of the shows the following week – we could all go?" It would be better if everyone was there. Phoebe and Rachel would be sure to help buffer her from Chandler doing the proud boyfriend act.

"Mon?"

She met his worried blue eyes. She hated that he was so concerned for her, that by not sharing her problem she was making him feel worse. He didn't realize she had to do this, that she was doing this to protect him; to shield him. He probably thought she didn't trust him and if the roles were reversed she'd be incredibly hurt if he refused to confide in her but she couldn't share this with him, sharing wasn't an option.

It had to be this way.

"I-"

At that moment the door thankfully swung open and Rachel entered, "Hey," she greeted although she picked up on the tension immediately. She threw Monica a questioning look and she nodded subtly letting her know she was ok; a gesture that Chandler caught, confusing him even more.

"We're just talking about Kathy's new play," Monica informed her quickly, "I was saying we should all go together later in the week?"

"Oh," realization came into Rachel's eyes and again Chandler caught it. "Yeah, that sounds like a great idea!"

She walked further into the room, settling herself onto the armchair and Chandler narrowed his eyes at her. She wasn't going to budge, meaning no privacy. His eyes landed back on Monica who looked relieved and a lot more relaxed now that the back-up had arrived.

"Great," Chandler sighed, knowing the opportunity to talk had gone, "I better go invite Ross for Friday," he threw one last look at Monica who nodded in agreement, before he sighed heavily, shaking his head slightly and leaving.

"What did I interrupt?" Rachael asked as soon as he closed the door.

"Nothing major," Monica sighed collapsing next to her. "He was talking about Kathy and I got a bit down and he tried to get me to talk to him. It's so hard Rach because I always talk to him about stuff. He knows something's bothering me, just like you guys did. He's not going to let this go, so I've either got to get over him fast or get a lot better at hiding it."

"You will, give it time," Rachel promised, "or you'll end up telling him, which could be a good thing. You're close, always have been. You can get through this."

"I don't want him to find out," Monica protested sharply. "It will mess with his head too much. He's happy with Kathy, really happy and I won't ruin that. He's tried so hard and he deserves to be happy."

Rachel rolled her eyes, "I'm not saying you should deliberately try and sabotage the relationship," she protested, "I'm just saying I don't think it would necessarily be a bad thing if the two of you talked about it, got it out in the open."

"It would be a very bad thing, trust me," Monica disagreed stubbornly. "And it's not happening, right?"

"Fine, we'll do it your way," Rachel promised, holding up her hands in defeat.

"Thank you," Monica sighed. "I'm sorry...I'm just..."

"I know," her soothed, getting up and pulling her into a hug. "It hurts now but you'll get through this."

Monica nodded, swallowing hard.

She could get through it and she would get through it.

She had too.

Somehow...

* * *

A/N: I would love to hear your thoughts on the start. A bit slow I know, but hopefully it's set the scene a little...

Anyhow, have a great weekend all :o)


	2. Chapter 2

"Hey, hey, check it out!"

Cautiously Monica looked up from her magazine as Chandler skipped into the coffee house and joined her on the otherwise empty couch, waving some kind of booklet in her face.

"What is it?" she asked hesitantly but given his adorable excited face she already feared the worse; there was only one topic that got him looking like that at the moment and that topic was Kathy.

Kathy.

Everything was always about _Kathy_.

"It's the program for Kathy's new play!" he confirmed her suspicions as he shoved it into her hands.

His smile was so wide it had to be painful. Her smile was definitely painful, painfully fake.

"Oh, I, uh didn't think it opened until Friday?" she murmured, glancing down at the program in her hands.

Thankfully she wasn't going to the opening. Ross had happily agreed to go with him to watch her and no one had mentioned going as a group, so hopefully that meant she didn't have to go at all. She wanted to support Chandler, really she did and eventually she hoped she'd be able to support him by supporting Kathy, but not just yet, she wasn't in _that_ place. Right now it was still too raw and she still wasn't quite strong enough but hopefully given time...maybe by her next play?

"It doesn't but they've already printed them and she grabbed me one early. Boyfriend privileges and all," he grinned, before a cheeky glint entered his beautiful cheeky eyes, "well, obviously there are a _lot_ of other privileges to being her boyfriend, if ya know what I mean?"

As he winked she tried to hide her grimace; unfortunately she knew exactly what he meant. Swallowing, she tried to hand the program back to him but he didn't take it. Instead, he pointed eagerly at Kathy's perfectly printed face.

"Look, she's right there on the front cover!"

"Yeah, I can see that," Monica agreed, trying to push it back to him yet again.

This time he accepted it but only to quickly open it, flicking to a certain page before he thrust it back at her.

"And see, she gets a double page spread. How neat is that?"

"It's...uh, neat," Monica tried to smile, praying he didn't look up from the glossy pages to see her struggling with her real emotions.

The last thing she wanted was for him to notice her lack of enthusiasm and to bring him down with her. No, it was a great thing that he was this delighted, great that he was this happy and practically bouncing with excitement. Life usually dealt him the crappy cards and he usually accepted his lot and got on with it. Rarely was he this happy or 'bouncy'. It was genuinely brilliant to see him this full of life even if she had to constantly remind herself that no matter what the cause of this joy, it was a good thing.

She needed to be happy for him.

Because he deserved it.

And because she was his friend.

It was what friends did.

Be happy for each other.

"And look, she even signed it for me," he pointed at the scrawled message enthusiastically, luckily not picking up on her sadness.

"That's uh, great," Monica nodded, not putting herself through the pain of reading the lover's message. It would probably be all lovey dovey or contain an innuendo or two and she didn't think she could stomach either right now.

Shoving the program back at him, this time successfully, she reached for her drink. It was only when she placed the cup to her lips she realised it was already cold and pulled a face.

"Let me grab you another," Chandler chuckled easily, a hand on her thigh as he pushed himself up, the program landing on the couch next to her.

"Thanks," she tried to keep the fake smile plastered on her face until he was at the counter.

With a heavy sigh her eyes involuntarily went back to the shiny cover, tracing Kathy's smiling, laughing face, knowing she had everything to laugh and smile about. She got Chandler. She got to hug him and hold him and kiss him and be intimate with him. The lucky b*tch had everything. Groaning she closed her eyes, letting out a slow breath, thinking like this wasn't going to help. There was no point getting jealous over the woman; Kathy had every right to be with him. Monica had had the opportunity in Montauk and been stupid enough to waste it. She just prayed Kathy knew how damn lucky she was and cherished the man.

"You alright?"

Her eyes snapped open to meet his frowning ones. Crap.

"Fine, just tired from all the packing," she lied.

She felt him study her for a moment and she held her breath, waiting to see if he'd try to probe any deeper. Yet again.

Luckily he didn't this time. Instead he cleared his throat, offering her one of his best dazzling smiles, "As long as I don't hear any bitterness coming through in your voice," he teased as he handed her a steaming mug of coffee. "We won that apartment fair and square."

"Don't even get me started on that," she tried to grin, tried to sound light-hearted and tried to keep the mask in place as he sat beside her, too closely beside her. It was hard to try and get over someone when he didn't understand the meaning of 'personal space'.

"It's not my fault you don't pay enough attention to my life," he joked, his shoulder bumping hers before his knee followed, touching hers and warming it instantly. "I know _your_ job."

"My job's easy to remember," she protested, trying to shift slightly away from him.

"And I've had the same job in the same office for six years," he shot back, not taking the hint and moving. If anything the body contact got worse, his hand touching her arm, his fingers leaving goose bumps without permission as he grinned at her. "Tell you what, I'll make you a deal. I'll call off the bet, we won't move apartments if..." if she thought his hand was distracting, looking up at his face was even worse. His eyes were shining, sparkling blue depths she could drown in, his smile was wide and oh those perfect kissable lips...

"Mon?"

It took her a moment to pull her gaze away from the luscious lips and onto his gorgeous distracting eyes. That's when she realised that the gorgeous distracting eyes were staring at her expectantly, an eyebrow raised. Opps.

"Huh?" she frowned, shaking her head slightly to clear it.

"Come on," he patted her thigh, "Quit stalling. What's my job? If you can tell me now I'll call off the bet."

"Um," she tried to ignore his hand, tried to focus on his words.

"Exactly," he chuckled, misunderstanding her struggle. "Face it Geller, you still don't have a clue what I do."

She knew he could break hearts without even trying.

"I-"

"Ya know what I could be though?" he continued, seemingly unbothered that she still didn't know his profession. "An actor. I mean I've always run lines with Joey but now I'm helping Kathy rehearse too. Maybe I should quit the exciting world of data analyzing and try my hand at Broadway? Or maybe tv? Or film? That would be cool being a film star."

"Sure, I guess," she swallowed.

"I know I keep saying it but I can't believe she's staring in a play! I think this is just the start of things, I really think she can make it big," he continued, his eyes bright with more than a hint of a sparkle in them as her own dull eyes shot a look at the entrance, praying one of the others would arrive soon and rescue her from another round of Kathy talk. "And I'm not just saying that like I say it to Joey, and no don't you dare repeat that to him. I mean, I know I'm bias being in love with her and all but I think she's got something special, really special."

She did have something special. Him.

"You think she'll still wanna be with me when she's all rich and famous?"

"She'd be a fool not to want you," she answered softly, sadly, honestly.

He chuckled, "I know you _have_ to say that as you're my friend but even so, I appreciate the fake sentiment."

If only he knew how not fake it was.

If only he knew how much more than a friend she wanted to be; needed to be.

If only she could stop thinking like this. She was trying to get over him, really she was but it was proving so hard. Why couldn't she just get over him and move on?

"Are you ok, Mon?" He asked, his voice full of concern and she tried to look confused.

"Yeah, I'm good, just a little bummed about the apartments, I guess."

Her eyes glanced over to the entrance again; where was everyone?

He was still frowning, clearly not buying her lame excuse but she had no other excuse to offer him, lame or otherwise. She watched as his face changed from a frown to resigned sadness.

"Still don't wanna tell me what's going on?" he asked softly, so softly and it made her swallow, guilt flooding through her but she had no choice. She couldn't tell him this.

"I'm fine," she pretended to frown in confusion and he sighed.

"Really?"

It was so hard to lie to the concerned blue eyes that were staring at her, so hard but the knowledge that the truth would cause him a greater pain was enough to make her shrug and fake another smile, "Really."

He looked away from her a moment, reaching for his coffee and idly playing with the cup.

"I'm fine, Chandler," she promised, her hand automatically reaching out to cover his own, ignoring the tingling the skin contact created, "but I appreciate you caring, really."

She did, it secretly meant the world to her, even though it just gave her another reason to love him.

"I," he kept his eyes on his drink, "I do care, Mon. I just wish you could be as happy as I am right now."

Silently, she agreed with him, her heart breaking just that little bit more that he'd never understand why it wasn't possible. She blinked away tears, praying he wouldn't push it any further and make it even harder.

"Hi guys!" Kathy entered and Monica tried to hide her disappointment as she quickly pulled her hand away. She had desperately wanted someone to join them so they were no longer alone...but she had hoped for anyone other than _her._

Why was life this unfair?

"Hey," Chandler hurriedly greeted his girlfriend, standing up to embrace her, his soft lips pressing against hers.

Monica looked away.

"Do either of you want anything?" Kathy asked, gesturing towards the counter with one hand, whilst the other remained on his chest.

"No thanks, babe," he smiled and Monica quickly shook her head. Oblivious to any tension between the friends Kathy smiled before walking over to Gunther.

"I mean it," Chandler whispered for Monica's ears only, as he sat back down, meeting her eyes intently. "I'm here if you wanna talk...about anything...at anytime."

"T-thanks," she swallowed, feeling his concerned gaze on her.

Why did he have to be so nice, so caring, so unattainable?

The second Kathy joined them, wedging herself between them on the couch, Monica quickly stood up, excusing herself to use the bathroom. In the safety of the locked room her hands tightly gripped the edge of the cold sink as she ducked her head down, taking some deep breaths.

Why was this so hard?

Why was she still struggling to hide this?

As her breathing calmed she concluded that maybe she needed to really try and avoid one on one time with him whilst she built up her walls and put on her armor? She needed to be able to hide her feelings until she got over them. Once she could hide them and be in control of them, _then_ she could be around him again. Hell, once she was strong enough she could stand to be around both of them.

So she hoped...

* * *

Her 'avoiding being with Chandler' plan was working out rather well. The chaos of switching apartments was keeping her mind busy. Monica was throwing everything she had into trying to make it up to Rachel and make their new 'boy' apartment feel like a home. It was tough, very tough, even given her love of deep cleaning but at least with this sort of challenge she could throw herself into it 100%; she could scrub away her sadness, organize her depressing thoughts and focus on something other than the cheeky blue-eyed man currently occupying apartment 20.

Despite the distraction moving had conveniently created, it also presented a new problem that she could have done without...sleeping in Chandler's bedroom, or at least his _old_ bedroom. At first she'd thought it might be kinda nice to be in his space but it wasn't; oh no, it was the opposite.

She hated living here, actually hated it.

She was surrounded by him, suffocated by him.

Sure, it had her stuff in it now but it still breathed Chandler from every pore of the room. It was somewhere where he'd slept with Kathy, spent many nights sleeping and doing...things with her.

Monica shuddered. She really tried not to think about it but each night it haunted her nightmares, taunting her subconscious with visions of them touching, laughing, using her goddamn diagram until they screamed with pleasure.

It wasn't fair.

She had been tempted to ask Rachel to swap but had held back, not wanting to disrupt her roommate any further. Plus, Chandler would have asked questions, lots of questions no doubt as he was still watching her closely. Too closely. He probably thought he was being subtle with it but he really wasn't. She almost wished he would ignore her and just spend time with his actual girlfriend.

One afternoon she assumed he was doing just that as he wasn't around. That was until talk of his fears of Kathy cheating on him reached her ears, "What?" she asked surprised that he hadn't told her himself.

"Chandler's worried her and this Nick guy are sleeping together," Ross told her casually whilst munching on a bag of potato chips. "Joey's tried to reassure him but well, as she cheated on him with Chandler..." he shrugged, "I'm not sure how much it helped. He wants to go back every night to ensure there's still chemistry between them on stage."

"That's crazy!" Monica exclaimed. "He has to either completely trust her or just b-break up with her," her voice faltered on the last words but Ross seemed oblivious. "He can't spend the rest of his life watching every performance she makes, that's just insane."

" _I_ know!" he protested, "this isn't coming from _me_ , this is Chandler and his usual commitment crap coming out."

"Oh," she sighed, rubbing her forehead as Phoebe and Joey entered. "Does anyone know where Chandler is?" Monica asked, suddenly full of concern for her friend.

"He may be in the apartment?" Joey shrugged unperturbed. "I'm not sure, we've just come from the coffee house and he wasn't there."

She nodded her thanks, determinedly heading out the door before becoming aware of a curious Phoebe following her.

"What?" she asked quietly yet impatiently as they stood in the hallway.

"What do you want Chandler for?" she questioned eagerly, no doubt already having heard the rumors about Kathy herself from Joey.

"I just want to check he's alright," Monica sighed.

"Are you gonna talk to him?"

"No, I thought we'd use sign language," Monica rolled her eyes, "of course I'm going to talk to him."

"I meant about your feelings," she complained.

"What? No, why would I?" she asked confused.

"Because, this proves he isn't totally solid with Kathy; they have a weakness. Go expose it and let him see he has other options, namely you."

"No," she shook her head stubbornly, "that wouldn't be fair on him, he's confused and vulnerable right now. I just want to check he's doing ok. End of."

"Monica," Phoebe tried but she shook her head.

"I may be hopelessly in love with the guy but he's also my best friend and he was that long before I fell for him," she informed her softly. "Look, I appreciate you trying to help but he's still dating Kathy, still in love with her...I'm not screwing him over for my own gain."

She met her friend's eyes, pleading with her to try and understand where she was coming from.

"Ok," Phoebe reluctantly nodded, rubbing her arm, "fine. Good luck anyway."

"Thank you," Monica smiled sincerely, pleased Phoebe was letting her do things her way.

* * *

Chandler hadn't been home and then she hadn't seen much of him until he burst through the apartment door intoxicated calling Kathy every name under the sun and declaring she _was_ cheating on him. Ignoring the looks from Phoebe and Rachel she just focused on being there for him. Hugging and protecting him from the pain the world caused, well as much as she could.

However, when he'd finally confessed that he didn't know for sure and was going off a stupid theory from Joey she'd dug deep and found the inner strength she needed to tell him he was being idiot. She forced herself to put his happiness first, in front of her own and stomped down her own heartache. Monica was used to the pain and she wouldn't wish it on anyone, especially not Chandler.

She had hoped the other girls would understand but once again she was wrong.

"Are you crazy?" Rachel demanded. "She probably _is_ cheating on him. She certainly let him think she is and hasn't come after him or comforted him like you have been doing. Why would you send him back to her? What's wrong with you?"

"He's in love with her," Monica said weakly, feeling the usual sadness grip her heart at the words, "If he's happy and she's not cheating on him then-"

"What if she is?" Rachel interrupted.

"Then I'll be there for him, like I would be for any of you," she promised.

"I still can't believe you convinced him to go back to her; they were practically broken up already."

"No they weren't," she argued, wishing they would give her a break and see that she was doing the right thing. It was hard enough but she knew she was making the right choice. "It was just a fight." They still looked sceptical. "Ok, fine, what if I hadn't? What if I'd done what you wanted and confessed my feelings for him instead and he magically forgot all about Kathy and got with me? Then tomorrow she's at the door apologizing to him and telling him that she hadn't ever cheated and then he has to chose between the two of us? Then what? What if he chooses her and then our friendship is ruined? I'd lose him forever."

They had to understand. As the silence stretched for a moment she thought maybe they did...

"But what if he chose you?"

Monica shook her head at Rachel's quiet question, "I'm not going to put him in that position and I'm not going to put _myself_ in that position either. If they break up, I'll consider talking to him, but only when they are definitely over. If they make up tonight and he's happy...then I'll be able to move on, knowing I did the right thing," she swallowed hard.

"I don't think you will," Phoebe countered gently. "Monica this isn't a crush, you're in love with him. It isn't just going to go away because you want it to."

"I have to try," she told them, feeling tears pressing against her eyelids, "it has too."

"Monica-"

"I did the right thing," she insisted, shaking her head, not able to listen to this any more. "When I'm sitting there crying my eyes out at their wedding at least I'll know I did the right thing...for him."

She heard them sigh and unable to argue they pulled her into a group hug which she gratefully sank into.

Now she just had to wait and see whether Kathy was cheating.

Half of her prayed she wasn't, to save her best friend and his broken heart, but the other half of her was hoping she was, in order to save her and her own broken heart. And she hated herself for it.

And she hated that her fate rested in Kathy's hands.

* * *

A/N: Thank you all soooo much for the reviews! I really love to read what you guys think. I hope you enjoyed this chapter :o)


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thanks for the reviews, favs and follows. Each is really appreciated :o)

* * *

Monica had been dreading the wait for news, but as it turned out she didn't have to wait long.

Chandler came home even drunker, confirming that Kathy hadn't been cheating but after he'd accused her she'd jumped into the sack with Nick; Monica's heart went out to him. Why did people cheat on him? Why did they hurt him? Why did they fail to see just how special he was? She was angry at Kathy, angry that she'd hurt and scarred him so badly.

She spent as much time as she could with him, trying to comfort him and offer him ice cream and a shoulder which he readily accepted. She listened to him open his heart, listened to his honesty and felt guilty that she wasn't able to do the same but it was better like this she reminded herself. He was in no fit state for her to dump this on him.

She was protecting him.

No, she just had to wait until the time was right and if, _if_ it ever felt right then she'd talk to him. Confess her feelings and see what happened but for now she was content with being there for him while he needed her, for as long as he needed her.

"I still don't get why you're waiting," Rachel confessed. "You've been going through hell for weeks. He's now single. Go for it."

"No," Monica shook her head stubbornly, "we've been over this, if he's not ready to change out of his sweat pants, he's definitely not ready to find out his best friend has been harboring a secret crush on him…it would freak him out and probably set him back a phase or something."

"He's only at phase 1!" Rachel protested, screwing up her face. "He can't go back a phase; there is no phase 0."

"You're missing the point," Monica sighed, closing her eyes and pinching the bridge of her nose. "He's still a mess. Me telling him this isn't going to help anybody. He's only just broken up with her, there's no rush."

"Ok, ok," Phoebe cut in, "but what if you're over there again tonight, wrapped up in each other's arms as you comfort him. What if you're stroking his hair and he leans into the caress and your eyes accidently meet and you have _that_ moment. You really wouldn't try and kiss him?"

"I...I don't know," she admitted quietly, trying to get the picture of them kissing out of her head. Damn Phoebe. "I...maybe...but I'd try to resist. He isn't ready, so can we please stop having this conversation? Let's focus on critiquing Rachel's love-life instead; have you asked Joshua out yet?"

She turned pointedly to her roommate, pleased that she wasn't the only one with a man problem at the moment.

"No," she grumbled getting the point, "but I will. Tomorrow's the last day he's booked in to shop with us, so I'll have to do something."

"Maybe he didn't want to ask you while you were working with him?" Phoebe suggested with a casual shrug, "I bet he'll ask you tomorrow."

"Really?" Rachel asked hopefully.

"I'm with Phoebe," Monica agreed, wishing her own love life was as simple as a crush on a handsome stranger. If for some bizarre reason he turned her housemate down she'd get over him and would never have to see him again. If Chandler turned her down...where the hell would they go from there?

* * *

"Hey," Monica greeted, her eyes softening as she spotted him in his expected spot, the chick and duck sat protectively surrounding him, one on each arm of the chair.

"Hey," she was touched that he looked up to greet her, something he wasn't always doing in his current state of depression, "What're you doing here?"

"The same as last night," she smiled as she walked over to him, placing the container of freshly baked cookies on his lap. "Making sure you're well fed and kept company."

A brief smile tugged at his gorgeous lips, "You don't have to babysit me, Mon."

"Joey's away, Ross has got that museum thing, Phoebe's with her Grandma and well...if Rachel was left to feed you you'd be eating out-of-date tictacs again."

He grinned in appreciation, selecting a cookie and taking a bite, "Mmm, this is good," he praised around a mouthful.

"You sound surprised," she mocked lightly, scooping up the chick and placing the bird on the other arm of the chair next to its feathered friend, in order for her to scoot in beside him. The birds flapped their wings in a slight protest but otherwise settled down. "It is my profession ya know."

"I know, you're good at it; don't give it up," he told her as she snuggled into his side.

He automatically lifted his arm, placing it around her wordlessly and pulling her tighter to him. She smiled loving how natural it always was between them, enjoying his warmth and letting his scent slowly fill her senses.

It went silent for a while and eventually she looked up at him, studying his face. "You doing ok?"

"Been better," he shrugged, "but I'm getting there, I think."

Nodding, her critical eyes studied him for another moment before she turned her attention to the television.

"What the heck are you watching?" she asking frowning.

"Uh, I'm not sure, it's in Spanish I think," she felt him shrug beneath her. "It's gripping stuff though. I think the guy in the red top is about to jump into that tire pit, which will definitely piss off that big guy."

"Ok...whatever floats your boat," she patted his chest her hand lingering there without permission.

As they sat in companionable silence, watching the bizarre program her hand gently rubbed his t-shirt covered chest. She was comforting him she told herself, ignoring how her fingertips tingled. She was just comforting a friend, there was no ulterior motive.

"I appreciate you being here," he spoke quietly, capturing her hand and holding it, "but you really don't have to look after me. I'll be fine, honestly."

"I know," she promised as his thumb started to rub little circles on the back of her hand, making her swallow, "but I want to be here."

If only he knew how badly that was true. She met his eyes and he offered her a small sad smile.

"Thanks Mon," he murmured before he sighed, looking away. "I still can't believe I was stupid enough to lose her."

"She was the one stupid enough to lose you," she tried to remind him gently.

"Yeah, right," he scoffed, full of his usual self doubt.

"Hey," she pushed herself up so she could see his face, waiting until he met her eyes, "You need to give yourself more credit Chandler. Anyone would be lucky to have you."

She let him study her intently, hoping she wasn't giving too much away but he was so close to her. She was pressed up against him, his face near and it wouldn't take much to close the gap between them. Phoebe's words from earlier suddenly entered her head, playing on a loop, urging her to kiss him.

Her heart rate picked up.

Could she do it?

His eyes were still locked with hers and unconsciously she leaned fractionally forward, her eyes dropping to his lips for just a split second. She desperately wanted to kiss him, to taste him. Desperately wanted to press her lips against his, softly, gently and then...

She was jolted by his chuckle, the mood she'd created in her mind well and truly broken by reality as she quickly looked away.

"Thanks, but I think you're a little bias seeing as your my friend and all."

Friend. Trying to smile she nodded, swallowing as she hid her disappointment. Of course she couldn't kiss him, and he didn't want her to kiss him.

They were friends.

"Your, uh _best_ friend," she corrected softly, "but its true. You're more of a catch than you realize."

"If you say so," he offered her that boyish smile that made her heart ache even more, making her long for him before he went serious again. "I just...I wish I could just stop thinking about her, you know? How do I stop loving her? Stop having her completely take over my mind driving me crazy?"

"I wish I knew," she whispered, wishing Kathy wasn't on his mind and that he wasn't on her mind.

If only she knew how to get these thoughts out of her head. Stop thinking about him, stop dreaming about him.

It was hard and she desperately wished she held the answers.

But she didn't.

He sighed before turning his attention back to the tv, "Anyway, it looks like this is finished. Wanna put on a movie...one that's actually in English?"

"Sure," she sighed, pushing herself up from him as she tried to shake herself out of it.

She tried to remind herself that being his friend was a good thing, a great thing in fact. He was an amazing person and she should be grateful that she got to be so close to him, no matter how much closer she wanted to be. He was hurting, now wasn't the time for any revelations. It may never be the time and she may have to accept that.

"Are _you_ ok?" he asked and she silently cursed herself and her inability to hide this. Why was it getting harder? Especially now him and Kathy had finished? Surely it should be getting easier.

"I'm fine, just been a long day," she covered up, walking quickly to the video shelf. "Any preferences?"

"Ladies choice."

She grabbed a random video tape, slotting it into the player before turning around to find his eyes still on her, scrutinising her. Damn it. Since his break up with Kathy he'd had too much on his mind and had seemed to have forgotten that something was bothering her and she'd hoped it would have stayed that way. Obviously she'd failed.

"Are you still sad about whatever was making you sad before?" he asked softly.

"No," she lied, approaching the kitchen area and grabbing them a couple of beers.

"Monica..."

"I'm sad that my best friend is sad," which was true. "I don't like you like this and I wanna help."

"You are helping," he insisted as she squished back in beside him. "Are you sure that's all it is?"

"Uh huh," she replied with false cheer, handing him a bottle, "you feel better, then I'll feel better."

"Isn't that blackmail?" he asked lightly, taking a swig of his drink.

"Maybe," she shrugged. "Will it work?"

"Maybe," he shrugged and she smiled, nestling back into his side.

She knew he didn't believe her. And she knew, he knew, she knew that he didn't believe her but thankfully he dropped the subject and they settled down to watch the film.

* * *

The next evening Monica got called into work earlier than expected. She hated to leave Chandler but Phoebe and Ross were there and Joey was due back shortly. She ruffled his hair, enjoying the feel of it beneath her fingers.

"I've gotta head to work," she said quietly, "you feel like changing out of those sweats and walking with me?"

"Nice try," he grinned at her appreciatively, "but these pants are staying on. Possibly forever. I may have to talk my boss into making every day 'casual Friday'."

"Honey, I think you'd need to make it _very_ casual Friday to get away with those," she chuckled, pleased to see a spark of humor in his gorgeous eyes. She held his eyes a little longer than strictly necessary but she hoped the fact that she was concerned for him was enough of an excuse.

"Have a good shift," he told her softly, "and thanks."

Monica nodded, patting his shoulder and smiling at him again before getting up and gathering her bits. She knew he wasn't quite ready but he seemed to be getting better, becoming more like himself again. She knew it didn't guarantee anything, knew that even when his heart was fully mended that he probably wouldn't be interested but it excited her anyway.

A small smile stayed on her face throughout her shift. She even found herself humming as she walked home, jogged up the stairs to her old apartment, keen to see Chandler. Opening the door she frowned, seeing it was empty.

"Hey?" she called.

"Hey!" Phoebe opened the bathroom door.

"Where's everybody?" she asked with a frown noticing the chick and duck sitting dejectedly on Chandler's recliner.

"Um," Phoebe definitely looked uneasy.

"Phoebs, what's going on?"

"Well, see I've got my evening sickness and Joey was busy memorizing lines. Rachel got invited to some club with Joshua, Ross went home to sulk…"

"And Chandler? I was hoping…" she trailed off with a little frown as Phoebe looked even more worried. "What is it? Where is he?"

"He's on a date with some British chick."

Monica froze, trying to absorb the news.

"W-what are you talking about?" she frowned. "What British chick? He's in phase 1- he shouldn't be on dates with British chicks, he shouldn't be on dates with anyone! I was only gone 6 hours. What the hell happened?"

"It wasn't my idea," Phoebe insisted, "And I tried to stop her, I did but she was adamant that it would be ok."

"Who?"

"Rachel!"

"I-" Monica shook her head frustrated, not understanding any of it. How had Chandler met someone without leaving the apartment? What did Rachel have to do with any of it? "Start from the beginning. Please?"

Phoebe nodded looking guilty.

"Well see Rachel agreed to take her boss' niece who is visiting from England to the ballet but then Joshua asked her out and she panicked. She begged Ross to take her but he refused point blank. Joey's rehearsing his lines, you were out and I offered, I did but I've got my evening sickness…so she kinda forced Chandler."

"What?" Monica asked pissed as understanding finally dawned on her. "Why would she do that?"

Phoebe winced, "She was desperate to see Joshua but she swears that she's doing you a favor by getting him out of those sweats and having his rebound."

Monica shook her head, convinced Rachel was doing this just so she could see Joshua. Damn her.

"Did you see her? Is she pretty?" she asked quietly.

"She's pretty," Phoebe admitted gently, "but when she turned up she was soaking wet and very irritable and Rachel had to practically push Chandler out the door with her. Don't worry, I bet he's there right now utterly miserable, wishing he was here. Then when he hangs out with you tomorrow he'll be out of phase one and realizing how much fun he has with you."

Monica nodded absently, a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach.

She just hoped Phoebe was right.

* * *

Not able to try and sleep, Monica instead stayed on the couch, listening out for him to return. Maybe if she was quick enough she could get over there and offer him tea or something before he went to sleep? She could hear about how awful his date was and commiserate with him.

Suddenly she heard a noise on the stairs and realizing it sounded like heels, she swallowed; had he brought her home? Were they going to spend the night together? Her stomach twisted at the thought. Then her apartment door flung open and a pissed looking Rachel stormed in, spotting her immediately.

"Argh, what a rubbish evening!"

"You didn't get to see Joshua?" she asked, trying to ignore her own anxiety about her other friend's date.

"No and I punched some girl in the face."

Monica frowned, surprised, "Why exactly?"

"She tried to steal my umbrella," she complained as she took off her coat.

"That's a little harsh don't you think?"

"Maybe, but it all started because some bitch stole my identity, said she was Rachel Greep and got into the club instead of me! Can you believe the nerve of some people?"

"You know that's not your name right?" she queried quietly, keeping one ear on the door. Why wasn't he home?

"It's a long story," Rachel sighed, removing her shoes, "why are you still up anyway?"

"I'm waiting for Chandler to come home," she admitted. "Phoebe told me about his date."

"Oh," Monica watched Rachel's face change to a guilty grimace as she walked over and joined her on the couch, "Monica, it's not a _proper_ date. He's just filling in for me at the ballet- he's probably fallen asleep." Monica didn't look convinced. "Look, this woman is _horrible_ , absolutely _vile_ believe me, he won't spend a second longer with her than he needs to."

"Then why isn't he home yet?" Monica asked quietly, voicing the question that was weighing heavily on her mind.

"He's probably being a gentleman and walking her back to wherever she's staying," she dismissed easily. "Or maybe they are trying to get a cab but in this weather it's difficult? It's not that late. Trust me, he'll be home soon."

"Why did you ask him to go?" she questioned barely above a whisper, as she tightened her arms around herself, "You know how I feel about him."

"You keep saying it's too soon and besides this isn't even a real date, plus he's not drunk groping women at some seedy strip joint. This is a good thing, I'm trying to help you by getting him through the stages quicker."

Monica said nothing, knowing despite her words that her roommate hadn't had her best interests at heart.

"It will be fine," Rachel declared, standing up and heading to her room. "Nothing is going to happen between him and Emily, trust me. You'll be thanking me tomorrow when he's back to wearing normal pants."

She watched as Rachel retreated to her room. At least she had a name now 'Emily'. And at least Rachel had the same opinion as Phoebe in that this Emily wasn't a catch and not Chandler's type. She tried to hold onto that, let it comfort her but it didn't. Regardless of what they thought, he was the one spending the evening with her.

First impressions changed. Chandler was vulnerable and in a confused place. Emily was an exotic visitor from an exotic country...

And the crux of the matter was, he wasn't home yet.

Monica stayed on the couch, hugging a cushion to her as her ears strained to hear anything the other side of the door. Her eyes landed on the clock, it was almost 1 am.

Closing her eyes she prayed and waited.

Why wasn't he home?

* * *

A/N: yeah...I'm gonna go hide behind the sofa now. Please don't throw anything too big at me!


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning a quiet Monica sat at the fooseball table picking at her breakfast; she really wasn't hungry, her stomach was in knots. Chandler hadn't come home last night. Rachel had tried to reassure her it was just rebound sex and that it was a good thing but that didn't make her feel any better. She didn't want to picture Chandler having _any_ kind of sex unless it involved her.

She felt Phoebe and Rachel exchanging looks but ignored them.

"I can't believe Joey went to the film set smelling like that," Ross commented taking a bite of his apple, oblivious to the strained atmosphere in the room. "He stunk."

"I know," Rachel joined in desperately latching onto any conversation to take away from the tension. "I don't think Charlton Heston will wanna work with him."

Suddenly the phone rang cutting off Ross' answer. They all stared at it realizing that none of them actually lived in this apartment anymore.

With a slight shrug Monica being nearest reached over for it, "Hello?"

"Hey Mon, it's me," came a chirpy voice.

"Chandler," she felt happy just hearing his voice, god she had it bad but then the butterflies started and her stomach tightened as she realized this was the moment of truth. "Where are you? We were worried about you."

She didn't know what she hoped to hear. Maybe that he'd ditched Emily, gone clubbing and ended up stranded somewhere? That he'd got stuck in a elevator over night or gotten drunk and lost in a strange city? Hell, she'd even accept that he'd gone onto phase two and spent the night at the strip club.

She just needed to hear that he hadn't spent the night with Emily.

"You probably won't believe me but…I'm in Vermont."

"Vermont?" Monica asked confused, "Why exactly?"

"Well," and then she heard him chuckle, covering the phone a second and speaking with someone. "Sorry that was Emily, she's just heading outside, see we're at this lovely bed and breakfast and they actually have an orchard. How crazy is that? How crazy is all of this?"

"Yeah," she agreed, trying not to let her crashing disappointment carry through into her voice, "that's, uh crazy alright."

"See, when we first met her, she was soaking, her feet were wet! Who wouldn't be miserable? I'm telling you when I got her into a dry pair of shoes and told her a few of my finest jokes, she was a totally different person."

"G-great," Monica tried to sound enthusiastic but knew she was failing miserably. "Well, um-"

"Monica, I've gotta go. There's a deer outside eating fruit from the orchard."

"Sur-" She couldn't even finish her consent as the phone disconnected and she stayed frozen in place listening to the low beep.

This wasn't happening.

Not again.

Not so soon.

"Monica?" Ross asked, noticing that she'd been silent for a few moments.

"Oh," she clicked off the phone, placing it back in it's cradle as she tried to bring herself back to reality. "That, uh that was Chandler."

"Where is he?" Phoebe asked worriedly, guessing by her friend's demeanure it wasn't good news.

Monica swallowed, trying to pull herself together, trying to ignore the fresh pain in her heart.

"He's at a, um bed and breakfast in Vermont….with Emily."

"What? No!" Rachel blurted out, "Why would he go anywhere with her? She was a witch!"

"Well you know what they say," Ross said, "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone. Good for him." He frowned at the glares he received in response. "No other guys here, huh? Right, on that note I'm outta here. See ya later."

As soon as the door closed behind him Monica sunk into the couch, groaning, Phoebe and Rachel rushing to her side.

"I can't believe it," she murmured. "It's Kathy all over again. He's gonna fall in love with her and I won't even get a chance. I've missed my opportunity already," she realized whacking Rachel hard, "Damn it, this is your fault."

"He wasn't meant to like her," Rachel muttered, feeling awful for her friend. "Look it's just a quick fling. It won't last; she's just the rebound. It may hurt now but it's really for the best. Let him use her and then he'll be ready for something more serious...with you."

Monica shook her head, frustrated and upset, "I'm going to lie down."

"It's like 9 in the morning," Phoebe pointed out.

"I didn't sleep well last night," Monica muttered getting up and leaving, grateful they didn't follow.

She entered what used to be his bedroom, now hers and climbed into the bed. She closed her eyes, ignoring the fresh tears that began to fall. She had to believe Rachel's words. It wasn't anything serious, just a rebound. She just had to be strong for a little bit longer. As soon as it was over with Emily then she'd talk to him. No matter what his response she knew she had to talk to him.

She was starting to think she'd deal better with a rejection, rather than constantly feeling she'd missed her chance with him.

* * *

Monica let out a heavy sigh as she sat on the hard plastic chair at the nail bar as the technician silently worked on her feet.

"Aren't you having fun?" Rachel insisted with false cheer.

"No," Monica replied stubbornly. Rachel had dragged her here saying it would be relaxing and help to get her mind off Chandler and Emily. It wasn't working, really wasn't working.

"Oh come on," Rachel protested, "look how pretty your nails are at least!"

Monica rolled her eyes, not even glancing at the painted tips of her fingers, "I just can't believe how much they've clicked," she began, aware of Rachel rolling her eyes. "I mean they went to Vermont, they've been ice skating, he even got his ear pierced for crying out loud. This isn't a rebound."

"It's classic rebound. He's just after an adventure," Rachel dismissed easily, "He wants some excitement. People often do crazy things after coming out of relationships, it's natural. All this stuff is just adrenaline, it isn't Chandler, ok? Give it another week and he'll realize how stupid he looks and he'll take the damn earring out."

"I don't care about the earring!" Monica protested, annoyed she wasn't getting the point. "He can get whatever he likes pierced, it's the fact he's willing to get something pierced just to impress her. He has to like her."

"If he's trying that hard then the relationship is not meant to be," Rachel stated confidently. "She's just a rebound, he's only been dating her for a week."

"A week in a normal relationship and you'd have gone on like one date," Monica insisted, "two at most. They've been together 24/7 since that stupid date _you_ set them up on."

"They're only spending so much time together because she's only here for two weeks," Rachel reminded her, "just one more week to go, Mon. Then she'll be gone, out of his system and he'll have finished...rebounding and will be ready for something more. You need to remember this is a good thing in the long run, a real positive thing. It may hurt now but it's worth it. Just wait one more week."

Monica sighed, glancing at her nails. One more week without Chandler, one more week dreaming about him, swooning over him while trying to ignore the fact he was dating the English gal. She was strong though, she could wait one more week. She'd wanted him long enough- what was another week?

"What am I sitting on?" Rachel muttered shifting in her chair to reveal a hideous fake nail. "My God, I dread to think what this person was scratching when this came off."

Monica chuckled slightly before freezing as Janice's somewhat unique yet nasally voice rang out from behind them, "Oh My God! How are you guys?"

Just what she needed, an ex.

An ex of the man she was trying to forget.

"We're f-fine," Rachel answered hesitantly for them. "Right Monica?"

She nodded though remained silent.

"And how's my Chandler doing?" she cackled.

'My'? That hurt. He certainly wasn't Janice's.

Or Monica's.

"Oh, he's doing great," Rachel spoke again as Monica looked away, really not wanting to take part in this conversation.

How was she meant to forget about Chandler when his ex was here discussing him? She wished she'd stayed at home.

"Is he seeing anyone at the moment?" Janice asked and Monica bit her lip in frustration.

"Um, yeah he is," Rachel said quickly throwing a look to Monica, "but I'll tell him you said hi."

Thankfully Janice was in a rush and didn't hang around too long but it was enough to dampen Monica's already dark mood. He had come out of one relationship, gone straight into another and already had someone waiting as a back up?

What chance did she have?

Why the hell did she have to fall in love with Chandler Bing?

* * *

Later that evening Monica sat dejectedly next to Phoebe when Emily and Chandler returned, his arm casually around her shoulder, an easy smile on his face. Monica sighed, sinking even further into the couch.

"Guess what?" Chandler exclaimed and Monica resisted rolling her eyes. Since Emily had crashed uninvited into their lives, he always seemed to have a surprise or an announcement to share with the group. Unless it was to say they'd broken up she wasn't interested.

It was just too hard to constantly play along.

"We bumped into some of Emily's old British friends and I'm gonna join them playing a bit of 'rugby,'" he said the last word in a fake British accent which made Emily laugh and hug him tighter.

"Rugby?" Joey laughed, "you serious, dude? You can't play rugby, it's brutal."

"I did try to put him off," Emily promised.

"Hey, I can be a macho sports guy occasionally," Chandler insisted flexing his non-existent muscles and just taking the jibing laughter with ease. "Whatever you guys, just wait until the game. I will kick some British butt."

He collapsed next to Monica, his arm brushing hers as he scooted close enough for Emily to join them. Monica tried to subtly shift closer to Phoebe.

"Do you even know how to play rugby?" Ross asked unimpressed.

"Noooo," Chandler admitted, "but I can watch it on ESPN…" he turned to look across to his roommate, "we have that channel right?"

Joey rolled his eyes as Emily giggled, hugging herself further into Chandler's side. Monica looked away from them, trying to look at anything else. She should just be happy for her friend. He was so carefree and relaxed with Emily; she certainly brought out a different side to him and she should be grateful for that. Grateful that the British chick was doing something right, helping him get passed Kathy but also making him a more confident person...but she wasn't. Instead it was just a reminder that Emily was giving Chandler something she wasn't. That she was able to make him so relaxed and carefree so soon after the heartache caused by Kathy...and Monica couldn't.

She'd failed and Emily was giving him everything he needed.

"Guess who me and Monica ran into today?" Rachel commented with humor in her voice.

"Oooh, David Hasselhoff?" Chandler tried, causing Emily to laugh. "Yasmine Bleeth?" He turned to Monica, with almost puppy dog eyes, "Pamela Anderson?"

"I'm afraid it wasn't anyone from Baywatch," Rachel informed him, drawing his attention back to her.

"Oh," Chandler seemed genuinely disappointed. "Who then?"

Rachel smirked, "Janice."

"Ouch. I feel your pain," he mocked, placing a hand on Monica's thigh as he turned to her. "She didn't do her laugh did she?"

"Um no," she shook her head, wishing he'd remove his hand which was slowly unknowingly warming her thigh.

"She asked if you were single," Rachel sing-songed and his hand tightened on her thigh.

"Tell me you told her about Emily?"

"Yep," Monica said quickly, standing up and removing herself from his touch.

"Who's Janice?" Emily asked as Chandler's confused eyes followed Monica across the room.

"Chandler's ex," Ross informed her, "one of his worse."

"Oooh, I can do a great impression," Phoebe offered excitedly.

"Please don't," Chandler begged, taking his eyes off his quiet friend. "It may make my testicles recede indefinitely, and I have plans for them tonight."

Emily laughed, whacking his chest, "Why is she so bad?"

"You'd have to meet her to understand," Joey told her.

"I hope that never happens," Chandler told her. "For your sake."

Monica swallowed from across the room, listening and watching as Emily interacted with her friends. Listening as she asked questions about Chandler's exes and past as a horrible realization started to slowly consume her. You didn't do that if you were after a fling. You didn't bond with friends and get life histories. You didn't waste time hanging out with friends and you certainly didn't look at a fling the way she was looking at him.

This wasn't a fling.

She felt her heart plummet that little bit more. She didn't know how much more torture it could endure. It seemed at every turn she faced something. Some cruel twist of fate determined to test her. She didn't want to do it anymore. She wanted to give in, or give up or whatever it is she had to do.

She couldn't keep this up much longer. Being in love with Chandler Bing was just too hard. She just prayed the wounds would heal and she'd have the inevitable scars.

Muttering a lame excuse she left, hoping no one noticed.

She had to find something to do to get over him.

* * *

The switch.

The switch that did nothing. It was her new plan to get her mind set on something else other than Chandler. She threw herself into it, getting obsessed needing to discover the secrets it held, its reason for creation.

She knew Rachel was concerned for her, tried to get her to focus her energy on finding a new man opposed to a useless switch but she wasn't ready for that yet. Give her time and she would be, she hoped, but for now she just needed a distraction and this was perfect.

She had the large blueprints covering the table as she made the first hole in the wall. She tried following it but it was too difficult so she made another hole…then another.

"Hey!" Chandler bounded into his old apartment wearing a yellow and blue sports top.

She raised her eyebrows at him, "Are you in a sports kit?"

"Yes siree," he grinned cheekily, his smile wide and eyes bright making her knees go weak, "today's the big match."

"Oh right," she tried to sound enthused but she wasn't.

"Yeah," his smile faltered and she silently cursed herself. They hadn't spent much time together this last week and a half. He'd spent his time with Emily and she'd spent her time trying to forget he was spending it with Emily. "Anyway, I uh just wanted to check you were coming to support me?"

"Oh..." she wasn't planning to, really didn't want to watch him showing off for his girlfriend and have her cheer him on and kiss any bruises away. "Um, no, sorry Chandler."

"No?" he frowned a little, "How come? I've been training and everything."

"I don't think watching it on the television really counts as training," she smiled despite herself.

"Sooo, come," he lightly punched her shoulder, "please? These guys are really big, like _house_ big and either you'll be really impressed or you can help carry me to the ER."

She forced a smile, tucking her hair behind her ear as she tried to think of a quick excuse, "Sorry but I can't. I'm busy."

"Doing what? It's Sunday?"

Damn it, why he couldn't he just accept she didn't want to come? "I'm busy with this," she gestured to the tools, rubble and blueprints.

"You're ditching me for a light switch?" there wasn't much humor in his tone, in fact it had an edge to it which she tried to ignore.

"It does something," she answered quickly, hoping to deflect from the real issue. "It has too, there's a wire back there and-"

"Monica, it will still be there in a couple of hours. Please, come for just a bit."

She shook her head, out of excuses, "I'm sorry, I'm not really a rugby fan."

"So be a 'Chandler' fan. I'm not asking you to come and commentate on it," he insisted, his eyebrows knitting together, "just come support _me_. Joey, Ross and Phoebe are coming."

"Not today," she answered, hoping he would just drop it. "Maybe next time."

"What's going on?" he asked, stubbornly folding his arms across his chest and staring at her.

Crap.

"Nothing," she hastily lied. "I just don't want to go to the park today, what's the big deal?"

"It's more than that," he insisted, his voice starting to get frustrated and angry, "you're still down, depressed by whatever it is that was bugging you before. You won't talk to me about it and you keep avoiding me."

"Avoiding you?" she shot back hotly. "You're spending all your time with Emily!"

"She's only in the country for two weeks!" he retorted, "excuse me for wanting to make the most of her time here."

"I never said you couldn't, you're the one that thinks I'm avoiding you!"

"You're hardly at breakfast, hardly there in the evening. I've tried arranging lunch with you and you've blown me off and now you won't even come support me in a game that is a few minutes walk from your apartment. So yeah, I've come to the illogical conclusion that you're avoiding me."

Monica let out a heavy sigh, flustered she grabbed her hammer, ripping into the next piece of innocent wall. She hadn't realized how obvious she was being. She'd have to find a way to be around Emily and Chandler without it killing her, otherwise it would only confirm his suspicions.

Chandler remained silent as he watched her, she could feel his intense gaze on her back.

She knew she owed him something; she owed him everything.

"I'm not avoiding you," she finally lied, spinning around to face him, "I've just been busy."

"Then come to the game," his voice and gaze were steady.

"I can't," she grimaced, wishing he could understand.

They stared at each other for a few tense moments of stalemate before he finally sighed, looking down, disappointment and hurt flashing across his face. He unfolded his arms, pushing himself away from the counter top, "Fine," he muttered walking passed her, "whatever, I'll tell you about it later."

She swallowed as he walked out, wanting to cry and shout in frustration. It wasn't meant to be like this. She was meant to be his friend. The whole reason she wasn't telling him this was so they could remain friends, but right now it was destroying their friendship and she was hurting him.

She never wanted to hurt him.

God, how was she meant to move on, get over this enough to stop it ruining everything?

* * *

A/N- Thanks to those of you still reading! I'm _so_ glad I didn't lose you all! The whole idea for this story evolved around Chandler being with Emily. It came to me one day and just wouldn't leave me alone. Weirdly the more I watched that time period the more my twisted brain could see them totally working on some level...obviously not on a _Mondler_ level but working in a sorta premondler relationship way. I'm glad a couple of you can see it as well and I'm not the only one!

Anyhow, I'll stop rambling now! I would love to hear your thoughts and a huge huge thanks to those of you that reviewed previously :o)


	5. Chapter 5

Monica pulled her coat tighter around her as she made her way through the busy park, easily spotting the rugby game through the crowds.

"Hey you made it," Ross greeted her as Joey, Phoebe and Emily turned around in surprise.

"Yeah," she shrugged, her hands still firmly in her pockets. "Thought I'd come and cheer for the USA…how's he doing?" she trailed off as the whistle blew and there was a painful crunching sound. "Nevermind."

"This is actually an improvement on the first half," Phoebe informed her with a grimace.

"Really?" she winced as she took in his bloodied and bruised face. Why was he doing this to himself?

"Yes," Emily beamed proudly, "he refused to quit so I gave him some pointers and he's definitely using that knowledge to his advantage."

"Oh, that's uh good," Monica tried to sound pleased, ignoring the way Emily looked so proud of him. Trying to ignore that Emily was the one that was _allowed_ to be proud of him and no doubt focus on how cute he looked in that ridiculous muddy kit. He was Emily's geek.

Maybe she shouldn't have come.

Feeling a hand on her shoulder, she looked up to see Phoebe gesturing subtly behind them. She nodded, following her lead and walking a few steps to get out of earshot.

"I thought you weren't coming?" she questioned. "What happened?"

"I had a fight with Chandler," she admitted.

"About what?" she asked concerned before her eyes widened. "Ohh did you tell him about your feelings?"

"Nooo! About not coming today and supporting him; about standing him up at lunch last week; about constantly avoiding being near him. He knows something's going on and he's hurt that I won't tell him," she sighed heavily, her eyes drifting back over to the man that was the source of her distress. "Why won't this go away Phoebs? I'm trying _so_ hard to get over him but nothing's working."

Phoebe rubbed her coat-covered arm sympathetically, "You will or...perhaps you should consider talking to him and telling him? Maybe if-"

"He's with Emily," she pointed out sadly. "He likes being with Emily and more importantly he's happy with Emily. I've no right to-"

"You're just talking to him, you have every right to do that and besides this thing with Emily isn't serious. It's just a 2 week fling, which is almost over anyhow."

"Yeah, Rachel says to wait until she's gone; she thinks it's just a rebound too but I'm not so sure I agree with you guys," she confessed quietly, "I think it's more than that."

"Long distance doesn't work," Phoebe reassured her shaking her head, "especially if the whole relationship is based on just 2 weeks of fun. Look he's just hyped up and full of adrenaline. He was really down about Kathy and this is a pick me up- that's what rebound relationships are. They aren't serious."

"And again that's what Rachel keeps saying too but we'll see," she sighed noticing the curious looks being thrown their way. "I guess we better get back."

"Fine, but only if you enjoy seeing the man you're in love with getting beaten to a pulp."

Monica threw her a warning look as they went and joined the others on the sidelines as the whistle blew again.

"Pass back," Joey stated matter of factly.

"Obviously," Monica joked, her eyes following Chandler as he clearly struggled to know where he should be. Others were gesturing to him where to run and someone threw him the ball. He was known for being a 'dropper' and this time was no exception; he fumbled with it, juggling in mid-air for a moment before the ball fell ungraciously to the ground and he was tackled to the floor within seconds. "Ouch."

"I know," Ross grimaced glancing at his wristwatch, "at least there's only 5 minutes left."

Monica winced, it was gonna be a long 5 minutes. She didn't enjoy when he got hurt, but she did enjoy the fact she was allowed to watch him, was supposed to even. She could openly study him and take in all those little details of his face and body that she had denied herself for weeks, several weeks.

The final whistle blew and he limped his way over to them, Emily rushing forward to support him. Her hands on his chest, then around his waist.

"I did it!" he enthused although Monica guessed he was trying to hide the amount of pain he was in, "I even still have all my teeth."

"Yeah you do buddy," Joey cheered.

"You looked great out there," Phoebe lied.

"Thanks guys," he grinned as Emily patted his chest in praise.

Monica swallowed as his eyes landed on her, "I didn't expect to see you here," he sounded surprised but pleased, "get bored of the switch game?"

"Yeah, I figured after two pretty serious shocks I should give it a break for a while and someone mentioned this game was on, so..." she offered him a hesitant apologetic smile and was pleased he grinned back. Apology accepted.

"I appreciate it," he promised, his voice sincere and soft before he wet his lips and looked away from her, "because as fun as that was, it may be my one and only game."

"You did very well for a beginner," Emily promised, kissing his bruised cheek. "I was very impressed."

He did a goofy smile at her and Monica looked away.

"I'm just going to go talk to the guys," Emily gestured and they all nodded.

As soon as she left Chandler collapsed heavily, Joey catching him as he groaned, "I think I'm dying, actually dying."

"I thought you had 'fun'," Ross smirked as Phoebe handed him his drink bottle. "You gave someone a bloody nose plus you made a man twice your size cry."

"True," Chandler pondered as he took several desperately needed sips of his water, "that was a highlight. I mean, I haven't done that since I was four and I picked all the sequins off my dad's new designer dress and fed them to the cat."

Monica chuckled before noticing his ragged breathing and rapidly swelling eye, "Are you sure you don't want to see a doctor?"

"Nah, I'm fine," he dismissed easily, "I just need a minute…or a week to recover."

"Chandler!" Emily called as she returned, automatically slipping her arms around his waist. Monica couldn't help but smirk a little at the squeak he made. "The guys are going to the pub…erm bar for a pint, sorry drink, do you want to come?" she looked at the others, "everyone's invited."

"Any hot chicks going?" Joey asked eagerly and Emily laughed, gesturing to a group of girls not far from them. "I'm in!"

"Me too!" Ross nodded, his eyes on the same girls.

"Is the cute guy with no teeth going?" Phoebe pried.

"Well, that describes a few of them," Emily admitted, "but yes I think most are going. Chandler?"

"You go and catch up with them," he smiled, "I think I need to apply ice and check that all my limbs are accounted for."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah, besides Monica can carry me home, she is freakishly strong," he looked over at her and grinned cheekily.

"Fine," Monica couldn't help but smile back even as her heart skipped a beat, "but any more 'freak' remarks and I may well drop you on route."

"Ok ok," he acknowledged, before turning back to the woman in his arms, "have fun," he kissed her again and Monica sighed, wondering why she was torturing herself by not looking away. Torturing herself by picturing his lips on hers. Imaginaing how soft they were and how his hands would...

"You sure you're gonna be ok?" Phoebe whispered causing her to jump slightly.

"Yeah, I have to be," she whispered back as her eyes fell on Chandler again. "I don't have much choice."

If she wanted Chandler to drop it and quit worrying about her, then she had to start acting normally again. She had to at least pretend that her little world was just fine and dandy and that she didn't feel like a part of herself was dying each and every day. Monica held onto the hope that maybe if she acted convincingly enough not only would she fool Chandler but that she'd start fooling herself too and begin believing it.

As Chandler and Emily came together and kissed goodbye yet again she tried her hardest not to pull a face. Just a few more days and Emily would be thousands of miles away; she'd be in another country. Thank God.

She waved as the others left and then, without warning Chandler's arm was suddenly around her shoulder and he was leaning into her side, his body warming hers. They hadn't been like this since Emily and she couldn't help but lean into his familiar scent. She loved being like this with him.

"I wasn't joking when I said you'd need to carry me," he confessed pathetically and she cracked a large genuine smile.

She missed this. Missed him and how easy it was supposed to be between them.

"I may be freakishly strong but I doubt we'd make it out of the park before collapsing."

"Cab?"

"If you wanna be a wuss," she teased.

"Oh I do," he smiled, "I really do, besides, I've proved my manliness for today…plus Emily isn't around to see."

As he winked at her she swallowed the sudden lump in her throat and nodded.

Of course.

Emily.

"Nope, just boring old me," she tried to joke but he tightened his grip on her.

"One thing you aint is boring," he chuckled and she felt her heart warm at his words.

"Thanks," she swallowed, almost shyly, "uh, bactha."

They hobbled their way out of the park and into the backseat of the nearest cab. Like most NY cabs it was fast and within seconds they were in front of their apartment building. Monica thanked and paid the driver as Chandler carefully extracted himself from the vehicle, whimpering and cursing as he did.

As the cab pulled away Chandler just stood there staring at the building entrance.

"What?" she questioned.

"Stairs," he grumbled, "I forgot about those. Think Tregar will let us move to a ground floor apartment...or install an elevator?"

"It won't be that bad," she promised, maneuvering so she was under his arm again. "Come on, once you get upstairs you can get all comfy and there's ice and pain killers and a nice hot bath waiting."

"Not in my apartment there isn't."

"Then we can go to mine," she suggested as they slowly took each step in turn.

They eventually made it up the stairs and into Monica's current apartment. She winced a little as his mud-stained clothes made contact with her clean couch but refrained from commenting. She could clean it later.

"Ahhhhhh," he sighed heavily in obvious relief, "Sitting is goooood."

As he closed his eyes in exaggerated pleasure, she allowed herself to study his battered face, marred by dark smudges of mud. With a shake of her head she disappeared into the bathroom grabbing the first aid kit, a wet cloth and then headed to the freezer for some ice.

"Here," she said quietly, gently pressing it to the largest bruise. He winced. "Why did you do this?" she asked softly as she used her other hand to start wiping at his face. "You don't have to prove anything."

He cracked opened an eye, a slight frown on his face as he sensed her serious tone.

"Cause Emily's hot?" he tried to joke but she raised an unimpressed eyebrow. "Ok, ok," he muttered, closing his eye again as he batted her hand away to hold the icepack himself, "did you see that Liam guy? She used to date him and he's really manly and big like Mr Joe Rugby. Then she actually laughed when they invited me, properly laughed. I had to do something to defend my manhood."

"Chandler," she placed a hand on his thigh, rubbing slightly, determined to comfort him despite her own discomfort. "You shouldn't try and change yourself just to impress her. You're impressive enough, trust me."

He cracked open the eye again, a slither of blue visible, "This coming from the woman who in college wore fake tattoos and if I remember correctly a fake lip _and_ nose ring when you wanted to date that Biker guy? Man, do you remember Ross' face when he saw you!"

"This is different, back then I was young and clueless."

"Opposed to now when you're totally grown up and have all of life answers?"

"No," she shrugged a little, "I wish I had the answers but I really don't," she swallowed hating how true the statement was, "but seriously, Emily likes you for who you are. Geeky, non-manly you."

He chuckled and despite the topic, she was pleased to see him smile, "Thanks, I didn't just do this to try and impress her," he confessed studying the floor. "I mean...you know I've never been the most secure and confident guy on this planet, right?"

"Yeah..." she frowned.

"Well, then Kathy…she..."

He sounded so unsure that she put her arm lightly around his shoulder, tugging him to her, "I know what Kathy did hurt you badly," she said softly, feeling him tense. "But that wasn't your fault. She cheated because she's an idiot. It was nothing you did; it reflects on her, not you."

"I wish I could believe you," he said quietly. "Logically, I guess I know that on some level, but part of me feels like I have something to prove, ya know? That I _can't_ give another woman a reason to cheat on me. I don't want to be that guy, the one constantly cheated on by every girlfriend. I mean first Janice, then Kathy...I...I don't think I could stand another."

"Oh honey," unable to resist she placed a light kiss on the top of his head, her lips lingering in the soft strands. "Is this why you've been doing all this crazy stuff?"

"Nah, not really, just the rugby thing more than anything," he shrugged slightly as she loosened her embrace, "the other crazy stuff has all been because of Emily. She's-she's crazy...but amazing too...so different from Kathy and yet it's great. And-and she's so much fun. And, ya know what? When I'm with her, _I'm_ fun! I even signed up for helicopter classes."

Monica swallowed hard, praying that the smile on her face seemed genuine as he got more excited. Of course he was gonna wanna talk about his girlfriend. It was natural and like she'd done with Kathy her job was to support him. Emily made him happy. She had to accept that and find a way to be happy for him.

"Of course," Chandler continued oblivious, "she's leaving in like 2 days, so I don't have to actually do it."

"Two days?" Monica questioned, still surprised that it was almost over, these two weeks had seemed like a lifetime "you, uh, must be pretty bummed."

"Eh, a bit," he shrugged, "I'm gonna miss her and stuff but she's got to go back to London. She's got a life there and I've got something that vaguely resembles a life here, so it's about time I got back to reality. But you know what? It's all good. It's been fun and I've been prepared for this from the start. We both knew we had two weeks together, and that's it."

Monica studied him and his slightly furrowed brow, hating herself for what she was about to ask but knowing her heart needed to know the answer.

"D-do you love her?"

Chandler blinked in surprise, looking at her sharply, "L-love? Are you crazy? Who said anything about love? It's been two weeks, is it even possible to fall in love that quickly? I mean I like her and she came into my life at the exact time I needed her but…" he trailed off.

A new pain went through her. That he hadn't needed _her_. She hadn't been good enough to cheer him up and heal him after Kathy. If she couldn't even do that, couldn't even fulfill her role as a friend, then how could she even think she could be his girlfriend, his soulmate?

"What does she have to say about it?" she asked quietly.

Part of her desperately didn't want to know but she had to ask.

"No idea," he admitted, "the one time I did bring it up she said," he put on a British accent, "'This is so fantastic! Why do we have to talk about the future? Let's just enjoy…'"

"Please don't do the accent," she cringed and he chuckled slightly.

"Fine," he gave in, "but I don't think she's interested in more even if I was, which I'm not, not really. I've just gotta make the most of the next two days."

"You have to talk to her before she leaves," Monica swallowed. She needed to know if this was something more even if he didn't. She couldn't bear the thought of thinking it was over and growing closer to Chandler just to have Emily fly over, burst through the door and announce that she loved him and the heartache to begin afresh.

She honestly didn't know if her heart would survive another false hope. It was pretty delicate as it was right now.

No, she just had to know where she stood, no matter how much this conversation would hurt her.

"Why are you so interested?" he asked curiously.

"Um," she desperately tried to think of a plausible excuse, "Because! You could get to live out my fantasy!"

He looked at her confused, "You have fantasies about Emily? Oooh can I watch?"

"No you sicko! You know, **the** fantasy! Meet someone from a strange land, fall madly in love, and spend the rest of your lives together," she hoped he'd buy it. It had been a fantasy of hers once, not now though. Now it was all about the boy next door…well, across the hall.

"Women are strange," Chandler shook his head but had a small grin on his face. "I don't think England counts as that strange a place…although they do drive on the wrong side of the road and have those roundabouts everywhere…and I'm not madly in love and the rest of our lives? Seriously Mon, you don't after two weeks that's a little crazy, even for you? Hell, even two _years_ is rushing into marriage."

"Only to you," a soft smile touched her lips as she thought of his quirks. Her smile faded though as she considered his words. He may not think there was anything serious between himself and Emily but she still wasn't so sure. They both seemed really into each other and she wouldn't let herself be naïve and think any otherwise.

She just had to be there for him as a friend.

"Anyway," he announced, removing the icepack, "my eye is now completely numb, so thank you for your healing touch. I think I need to go wash and lie down."

He gingerly stood up, attempting a slight stretch.

"I know you're not the biggest bath fan but given the circumstances, want me to run you one? I can put in some special lavender crystals."

He raised an eyebrow and remained silent.

"I promise not to tell the others and it's very macho…honest"

His face broke out into a large smile as he stared at her, "Thanks Monica, that sounds kinda nice actually."

"No worries," she smiled, pleased to be able to do something to help him. Something to make him appreciate her just a little bit. She stood up but noticed he was still staring at her. "What?" she asked a little hesitant.

"I'm sorry about earlier."

Oh.

"I'm sorry too," she promised quickly, hoping he wasn't going to revisit the subject of their fight.

"You, uh, you know you can talk to me right?"

She swallowed, guiltily breaking eye contact. She had expected him to open up and tell her his deepest thoughts and yet she couldn't do the same. She hated that her crush was causing him pain. _She_ deserved the pain, not him; _she_ was the one that had fallen in love with him. He hadn't asked for it and yet it was affecting their relationship and he was getting hurt.

"I know," she promised quickly, softly, praying that he wouldn't press it any further right now.

She could feel his worried eyes studying her and she tried her best to shake off her pensive thoughts and try to look normal. Normal. Like she'd been all those weeks ago before she fell in love with Chandler Bing. Before her life had been crushed by his good looks, charm and humor.

Eventually he nodded, seeming satisfied for now and she let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding. He turned and headed gingerly to the door and paused, "Nice, uh pictures you're got there," he smirked stepping closer to them. "Cute."

"You think Rachel will know they are covering up holes?"

"Nooo," he said unconvinced, flashing her a cheeky smile. "But she may notice Kenny waving from the ceiling," he laughed, returning the wave as Monica winced.

"I'm screwed," she muttered as she went to grab some bath bits for him.

"Nah, learning how to plaster the walls can become your next weird obsessive hobby," he called out teasingly. "So did you actually discover what the switch does?"

"Nope," she admitted, coming back into the room. "I've got an electrician booked in for tomorrow and at $200 an hour he better find out."

Chandler shook his head fondly at her as they made it across the hall and she went into her former bathroom. She missed this bathroom; it was so fresh and clean. With a sigh she started running the bath, adding the salts and stirring unconsciously with her fingertips. She stared at the whirling water, getting lost in its relaxing ripples.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

His voice startled her and she looked up, her eyes widening in shock. He was wearing only a towel. Just a towel. She told herself to breathe, to keep calm and not to stare. He rarely paraded around topless, even at the beach he would always cover up. He claimed he burned easily but she knew he wasn't the most body confident. She should feel proud that he felt secure enough to be practically naked in front of her but right now she could have done without it.

"It's, uh almost ready," she blushed, standing up and hastily stepping away from the tub and not answering his question.

"You're not going to stay and scrub my back?" he joked.

"Not this time," she managed to get out as she felt her face heating up. She hoped he wouldn't pick up on her sudden uncomfortableness. She just needed to get out of there. Escape. To get away from his nakedness and the impulses to run her hands and lips all over his body. "E-enjoy your bath."

With her head down, she walked past him quickly, giving his inviting skin as wide a berth as possible in the small constraints of the bathroom.

"Mon?" he called as she was at the doorway.

"Yeah?" she asked softly, not daring to turn around.

She stood rigid, waiting.

Was he going to call her on her flushed face and forbidden thoughts?

Was he going to try and bring up their fight, make her confess everything? Here? Now?

"Cancel the electrician, Kip rewired that switch as a practical joke one year. It operates the tv in this apartment."

"What?" she spun around completely shocked but he just waved cockily, his face smug as he shut the door in her face. "You knew!" she shouted through the door. "I almost got electrocuted! I made holes in the wall! I wasted 3 hours of my life at city hall."

"I didn't want to spoil your fun," he called back. "Now quit your yelling, woman; I'm trying to have a nice relaxing bath here."

Monica stared at the door shaking her head, unable to stop the large fond smile spreading across her face as the warmth she felt surrounded her.

She'd gone through so many emotions with Chandler today, the complete range and yet right now she was totally and utterly filled with love for the man and was just grateful he was in her life, even if it was just as a friend.

And she knew for certain, she had to find a way to get over this without destroying their friendship. He was her rock and she hoped he always would be.

* * *

A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews and still sticking with it! I'm sorry this is screwing with your minds but I hope you managed to enjoyed it a little :o)


	6. Chapter 6

"Was he good?" Rachel grinned, as always eager for any kind gossip, even if it was the made up kind.

"Of course he was good," Monica sighed, her fingers running around the rim of her wineglass, "He's always good, hell he's amazing, absolutely breath-taking."

"So, what exactly did you dream this time?" Phoebe asked with a mischievous sparkle in her eyes.

"Oh, just the usual, that he bursts into the apartment…well not this apartment... in my head we still live in apartment 20-"

"I dream that too," Rachel sighed, looking around the bland apartment they were in that still shouted 'bachelor pad' before downing some more of her wine.

"What does he say when he bursts in?" Phoebe pried.

"That he's dumped Emily and is madly in love with me. Then he dramatically scoops me up into his arms and carries me with a flourish into my bedroom. He kicks the door closed and suddenly there's candles and rose petals everywhere. Then he looks into my eyes so intently, the anticipation builds and is almost unbearable as these pent up emotions just sizzle between us, ya know? And then when we can't wait any longer our lips crash together, he pulls me tight against his chest and oh, it's soooo good. And I'm still drunk from his kisses when his lips start to gently trail down my neck, leaving paths of fire as he slowly starts to undress us. Then we make love over and over and it's so romantic and passionate and he keeps promising how much he loves me and...oh."

"Aw dream sex is the best," Phoebe grinned knowingly, happily taking a sip of her OJ.

"Yeah, it is, it's incredible but then I wake up and remember it's all just a dream and…god…it hurts you know?" she admitted with a heavy sigh, "This whole situation sucks."

In frustration she drained the last drop of wine, knowing the other two were sharing a look. She really wasn't in the mood for sympathy tonight. She just wanted to forget the man, forget her crush and have a girly night without him dominating her thoughts.

"It sucked when Julie was with Ross," Rachel commented gently, finishing off her glass and reaching for the bottle. " _And_ you know what else sucks? That Joshua still hasn't asked me out."

Monica nodded in agreement as Rachel topped up both their glasses. As Phoebe wasn't drinking due to the pregnancy there was more than usual to go around and tonight both girls were happy to oblige.

"Oh oh! You know what you two need?" Phoebe suggested suddenly excited.

"Therapy?" Rachel guessed to which Monica snorted.

"Yuh huh!" Phoebe nodded even more eagerly. "Unrequited love therapy; with me! Yah!"

As Phoebe clapped her hands with glee, practically bouncing in her seat, Monica and Rachel shared a worried look.

"Meaning what exactly?" Monica asked warily, both having suffered from Phoebe's strange rituals over the years. "I'm really not in the mood to dance around naked or sit here chanting for the next few hours."

"Hmm, well that rules out a couple of them," Phoebe pondered, momentarily losing her motivation before instantly dismissing it, "but, oh, there's one that is a lot more tame but still able to help you get over these guys."

"But I don't want to get over mine," Rachel pointed out with a slight pout. "I want to get _with_ him and that's what Monica wants with Chandler? Right?"

"I don't know any more," she confessed equally sad and frustrated.

"Monica?" Rachel frowned.

"I...It's all just so hard and sucky..." she complained. "I know you keep saying to wait and talk to him when Emily leaves, and I know that it's her last night tomorrow but what if he doesn't want to be with me? What if Emily has set the bar and from now on he wants adventure and excitement? That isn't me! I like structure and organised fun!

"Plus, he's had years to ask me out and recently before Emily came along I was sending him all kinds of signals and...and what's the point? What if I'm waiting all this time for nothing and he rejects me? What if he doesn't remotely feel that way about me and I go and embarrass myself and make it all awkward? I-I love him so much but I don't think he's there...and with Emily still in the picture and possibly staying in the picture for a long time...I think I should just try and move on, without telling him anything. I just need to figure out how to get over him."

"Mon, it's just the nerves talking," Rachel protested. "Now the time is getting close you're worried and it's natural. I was terrified when Ross found out my feelings."

"You didn't _tell_ him how you felt though," Monica shook her head. "You didn't sit down and openly talk to him, putting it all on the line waiting for a rejection. You drunk messaged him."

"Ooh, you're drunk now, why don't you phone him?" Phoebe suggested.

"Because I'm not that drunk and he's probably sat across the hall right now with Emily," Monica pointed out exasperated. "It wouldn't even get to voicemail. And besides, I don't want to do that! It's not just nerves making me think this. It's reality. As much as I like him, he doesn't like me that way. I need to work out how to accept that and move on."

"You don't know that for certain until you talk to him," Phoebe pointed out. "Now don't worry, this will totally help you. Go fetch me some paper, pens and some candles and we can get this much needed therapy session started."

Monica muttered under her breath but reluctantly retrieved the requested items, "Now what?"

"You need to light the candles, dim the lights and take off your shoes and sit on the floor. You too Rach."

Sharing another look the roommates reluctantly obeyed...it was easier this way.

"Right, first you need to write your wanna be lovers name on the top of the paper."

With a sigh they complied.

"Ok, next you need to list 3 of your favorite things about him..."

"Ok," Rach finished first, "I've got his name Josh-u-a, ooh I still love it! And I have his hair; it looks so soft and finally his dreamy looks."

"All very good," Phoebe praised much like a high school tutor. "Monica?"

There was so many to choose from, how could she pick just three?"

"Do we have to do this?" she protested. "This is stupid, I want to get _over_ this crush, not spend the night coming up with reasons why I like him. How's thinking of his baby blues, that gorgeous smile or just how fricking perfect he is going to help me get over him?"

"Patience, you have to trust it," Phoebe dismissed. "Come on, write down, eyes, smile and...perfect."

Monica sighed as the image of Chandler crashed to the forefront of her mind, almost taunting her. She pictured him from her dream last night. His sincere eyes that grew darker as passion overtook him, his kissable lips, the way his hands carressed her skin causing instant goosebumps. The way he had tightly held her close to him and worshiped her.

God, she really couldn't go on like this.

"Earth to Monica!"

"Right," she swallowed, shaking her head to clear it, before taking another sip of her wine.

Reluctantly she listed his three top qualities choosing his blue eyes, beautiful smile and his loyalty. Although, the full list could have gone on for pages.

"Ok next you have to list-"

"Good evening- whoa! What's going on in here? Did ya forget to pay the electricity bill or something?"

Monica froze as the man she was desperately trying to forget, the man who was at the center of this emergency girl gathering came barging in, looking as undeniably cute as always. It just wasn't fair.

"What do you want, Chandler?" Phoebe asked a little more abruptly than usual, "We're in a middle of a thing."

"A thing?" he asked curiously, screwing up his nose slightly as he stepped closer to them. "What thing?"

"A _girl_ thing, you wouldn't get it," Rachel informed him quickly.

"Huh, ok," he shrugged unperturbed, his hands sliding into his pants pockets as he stepped closed. "Sorry to interrupt the 'thing' but...wait, is that my name?"

Crap.

She froze, a deer in headlights as her eyes widened a fraction and she held her breath.

"We're playing a game," Phoebe protested, snatching the paper away although Monica feared it was too late. "We're currently naming guy friends like you, Joey and Ross. Nothing exciting."

"Right," his eyes clearly fell on Rachel's paper that was still in view; he could clearly see that it didn't say Joey or Ross, that instead it named the guy she was obsessed with. He wet his lips, his eyes falling on Monica, a little frown on his face as he spoke, "Right, ok..."

"What did you actually want, Chandler?" Monica spoke quickly, her heart beating rapidly in her chest, desperately praying he hadn't figured anything out.

"Oh, uh Emily really fancied some OJ. Can I steal a carton? We're completely out."

Monica tried to keep her face neutral but her insides twisted. Emily. It was always about Emily. He was such a good boyfriend to her and she could do without him shoving that particular detail in her face. This was what she was missing out on.

Being the center of his attention.

Being the one he was doting on.

Being the one he cherished.

"Mon?"

She blinked, realizing he was staring at her, his warm eyes full of concern and confusion. Damn it, he was already suspicious, why couldn't she just keep it together.?

"Um, s-sure, help yourself."

"O-k, thanks," he nodded, making no attempt to move, instead looking like he was about to say something.

"Chandler? Orange Juice?" Rachel prompted. "Get and go!"

"Yeah, um, Monica, can you help me find it."

She frowned, knowing it was a lame excuse and shooting a quick look at the girls confirmed they knew the same thing. Unwilling to refuse, worried it would draw even more suspicion she stood up, slowly walking passed him and to the fridge. As she opened the door he was there, his back to the girls, blocking there view as he pointedly met her eyes.

"Are you ok?" he asked softly, his eyes trying to read hers before she averted her gaze.

"Fine," she lied, quickly locating the carton.

"Mon," he sighed quietly.

"I'm fine, don't worry about me, I've got my girls."

"You have me too you know," he promised softly, his voice and touch of a smile going straight to her heart.

If only he knew how untrue his words were.

She didn't have him.

Never would.

"Thanks, uh, here," she held out the OJ, closing the fridge door, hoping it symbolised the end of the conversation. "Emily will be waiting."

"She can wait a while longer, are you sure you don't wanna talk? The hallway's free?"

"I'm fine, thank you Chandler, but really, it's nothing. Go hang out with your girlfriend, we can catch up another time."

He stared at her his perfect blue eyes clearly unsure and hesitant.

"You guys, ok?" Rachel called pointedly.

His eyes closed in frustration remembering the others but eventually he nodded.

"We're fine," he called over his shoulder, deliberately using Monica's own words before dropping his voice to a whisper. "Right Mon?"

"Right," she promised quickly, stepping away from him.

"Great, well have a good evening, you know where I am if you change your mind," with that left, the door closing firmly behind him.

"Crap," Monica cursed, as she joined them again.

The girls each placed a reassuring hand on her shoulders.

"It's ok, he didn't know what was going on," Phoebe tried to comfort her. "It's lucky he walked in now rather than at step 4."

Monica shook her head, she didn't even want to know about step 4.

"He knows something, was going on, he saw his name. I'm so stupid, this is so stupid. I'm almost 30 and yet I'm falling apart over some guy that I can't have. I need to just get over him. Why is that so hard?"

"Because he's one of your best friends," Rachel said softly. "You've always loved his as a friend, and now you realize how well you would be together. Now that your mind has blurred the lines between friends and more it's difficult to just go back and be a friend again. Trust me, it's hard, very hard but it can be done. I still think you should wait until Emily's out of the way and then just talk to him. Even if he doesn't feel the same, at least you'll get some closure."

What Rachel said made sense but still Monica's heart didn't want closure. It wanted Chandler.

Why couldn't her heart and head got on the same page?

A page that didn't involve Chandler.

* * *

A/N- sorry for the shorter chapter. I'm off to a wedding in moment so wanted to post something up before I go so chopped the end off. Thanks again for the comments and reviews!

Happy weekend all!


	7. Chapter 7

"Ya know, I think I actually hate Rachel right now," Chandler grumbled as he came to join Monica, leaning back against the kitchen counter as he surveyed the room. Folding his arms in front of him, a frustrated frown marred his features which was in stark contrast to the stupidly bright party hat that he still wore on his head.

Monica simply nodded, she hated Rachel right now too. She resented her for throwing this stupid fake party just so she could try and get with Joshua. Monica wasn't in the mood for parties, she wasn't in the mood for anything. She just wanted to hide away and try and forget about her depressing life for a while. She certainly didn't need to be at a party that was thrown in honor of Chandler's girlfriend.

"I mean," Chandler continued miffed, "I had plans for tonight and now they're ruined by this dumb thing and I can't believe Emily is actually buying this. There's like 9 people here- and none of her friends from the rugby. It's the lamest surprise party ever and you know what makes it even worse? That Emily thinks this was all _my_ idea."

"Yeah well, I had big plans too," Monica muttered, taking a sip of her wine.

"Really? Like what?" he sounded genuinely curious as his gaze landed on her.

"Me, Hugh Grant and a tub of Ben and Jerrys," she admitted glumly as she took another large gulp of the alcohol, feeling her cheeks redden slightly.

"I won't lie, I'm a little jealous," he quipped, bumping his shoulder against hers playfully, before he chewed his lip, trying to sound casual. "So...uh, you doing ok?"

"I'm fine," she said quickly shooting down the conversation before it stated and praying it wasn't obvious just how miserable she really felt. Tonight was definitely not the time, so instead she quickly changed the subject. "So, uh have you talked with Emily? About a possible future together and stuff?"

She needed to know, needed to know so badly what was happening between them that it actually hurt. Her head and heart still weren't on the same page, far from it but she still just needed to be sure of what they were going to do to try and stop her internal torture. Maybe if she knew either way it would finally bring her some closure and her heart some deserved peace.

"I still don't see why you're so obsessed by this," Chandler commented somewhat lightly. "And no, not yet, it's pointless anyway, there is no future. This is it. Tonight...which I'm wasting at this pointless fake party."

"Maybe you should go talk to her," she persisted, needing definite answers even if he didn't. "Talk to her properly and…" she trailed off as Rachel hurriedly entered the apartment, getting Joey to zip her up. "Has she changed outfits?"

Chandler followed her line of vision and rolled his eyes as he took in her sudden black dress, "You've kinda gotta feel sorry for Joshua," he grinned, "she's really not giving him much of a chance."

Monica half agreed shaking her head at her roommate, although as crazy as Rachel was being at least she had the balls to go for what she wanted. Monica sighed before she noticed Emily heading towards them, her eyes obviously fixed on Chandler.

Wordlessly Monica moved away, not looking back at the couple and ignoring the confused look Chandler gave her. One thing she desperately didn't need to see tonight was them all cuddled together and kissing. She wished there were more people here so she could simply leave, escape this hell without being noticed. She knew there were only a few more hours to endure but she honestly felt like she was going to crack, drive herself insane.

"You ok, Monica?"

She looked up gratefully at Phoebe, she didn't have to hide in front of her, could tell her the truth.

"No," she admitted softly, shaking her head.

"This time tomorrow she'll be gone," her friend reminded her gently rubbing her shoulder.

"Will she be gone for good though?" Monica asked the million dollar question, "What if they decide to stay together? Try long distance and then he'll confide in me how much he's missing her and, and…what if he moves to London? Just packs up and leaves? I'll lose him, Phoebe, maybe even forever."

Phoebe pulled her into a hug and Monica closed her eyes, accepting the comfort, willing to take anything that was offered to her tonight.

"I get that you're worried but I don't think anything you just said will happen. I just don't see them working out; I think the relationship is ready for it's natural conclusion. You just need to hang in there a little while longer and things will get easier. I promise."

"He went to a doorknob museum with her."

"Exactly!" Phoebe pointed out, "that's not him. None of this is him. I think Rachel was right, it was the rebound relationship he needed to get over Kathy and get out of those sweat pants."

"I hope you're right," she sighed moving to grab another much needed drink. "I just, I just hate all of it! I hate the pain and the hiding...I just hate being in love with him; I can't keep this up for much longing, it's killing me Phoebe."

"I know," Phoebe sighed, her eyes sympathetic. "Just give yourself some more time. Let Emily leave and then when the moment feels right I think you should talk to him. You need to Monica, otherwise you might self-combust or something."

Monica snorted, a wry smile coming to her face, "I thought spontaneous human combustion was an urban myth?"

"Ooooh, no, it's very real," Phoebe said seriously.

Monica smiled about to comment when Rachel's voice rang out across the room, drawing their attention.

"Ok everyone, we need you all sitting down here in a circle."

They exchanged bemused looks with each other.

"I'm too pregnant for party games," Phoebe commented and Monica wished she had a ready-made excuse.

People started to warily follow the instructions, forming a small circle. Noticing that neither woman had moved, Rachel rushed over to them grabbing their hands, "Come on guys," she tugged them closer to the circle.

"What's going on?" Monica asked cautiously, although she had her answer as Joey rushed back into the room enthusiastically waving an empty bottle. "Spin the bottle?" she asked pissed, "seriously? We're not 11."

Monica was in no mood for party games. She hadn't been in the mood for this stupid party and now this? It was ridiculous. This wouldn't end well, it couldn't. There were only 9 people here. She would no doubt have to witness Emily and Chandler making out in front of the group numerous times. Or the damn thing would land on her and she really wasn't in the mood to kiss anybody.

"Oh, come on, Monica, it might cheer you up," Rachel dismissed, pulling her closer still, "plus who knows, maybe it will help you move on from the whole _crush_ _thing,"_ she hissed the last two words but not particularly quietly.

Monica cringed, quickly looking around to see who else was in ear-shot. She swallowed hard as she met Chandler's confused eyes.

Just great.

Hurriedly breaking the eye contact and looking away she forced herself to bite down her anger that Rachel hadn't been more careful. She couldn't cause a scene, not here, she couldn't follow her instinct and retreat out the door like she wanted. It would attract even more attention, plus if she left now she had no doubt in her mind that Chandler would follow her and question her further and she couldn't face that...not now, not tonight.

She'd crack.

No, she had to look normal, calm and composed, as if Rachel was talking nonsense, something she could breezily brush off and laugh about. That it was no big deal. No life shattering secret.

She swallowed hard. She could do this...at least she prayed she could do this.

"Fine," she eventually grated out, a fake smile plastered on her face as she practically pushed past her apologetic looking roommate and joined the small group that was on the floor, feeling Chandler's concerned gaze still on her but refusing to meet his eyes.

She just had to keep it together for a little while longer.

Suddenly Phoebe settled next to her and Monica raised an eyebrow at her in question.

"You're never too pregnant for spin the bottle," she giggled, before leaning closer to her and whispering, "besides it looked like you could do with the support."

Monica smiled nodding, grateful at least one of her friends understood the meaning of subtlety.

Rachel naturally started the game, demonstrating how it worked, no doubt in order to get a free spin and a chance with Joshua. Monica did have to chuckle though as it landed on Gunther and the crestfallen look he had when he realized he wasn't going to get kissed. Until she realized he was in the same position as her. Desperately in love with someone they couldn't have, having to see that person every day with someone else. Suffering from the pain of unrequited love. Poor guy. She forced her eyes away from him and onto the bottle.

As predicted fate had the bottle land on Chandler and for a brief moment as he pushed the bottle and it slowly spun, the possibility of it landing on her caused her heart to flutter in fear and hope. But of course it landed on Emily. As if the bottle knew who he belonged with and was conspiring against her. She looked away, not wanting to witness yet another kiss between the couple.

"This time tomorrow," Phoebe said quietly and she offered her a small smile in gratitude.

Ross got Emily and the kiss seemed a little more than it should. Was he trying to get back at Rachel? Given their recent conversation over the Kathy betrayal she risked a quick glance at Chandler but he didn't seem bothered at all, in fact he wasn't even paying attention, his eyes on Monica. Quickly she looked away, focusing on the game in hand, cringing as the bottle landed on her, really not wanting to play but knowing she had to keep up the pretense.

Joey.

With a sigh of relief she crawled over and placed a quick kiss to Joey's lips.

Then it was her and Joey again.

"Oooh two in a row, you have to use tongues now," Rachel shouted out excitedly as Monica glared daggers at her. "Or not," Rachel said quickly taking the hint.

She didn't use tongues or let Joey even consider it. Just another quick peck. She'd barely sat back down when it landed on her again.

"What are the odds?"

"Let someone else play," Phoebe complained, taking Monica's go and crawling towards Joey for a much longer kiss.

Monica smiled to herself. She didn't know if Phoebe was rescuing her or if she just wanted to kiss Joey but either way she was pleased to sit out her turn. Should would be more than happy for Phoebe to take all her spins. Thankfully the game continued for several minutes not involving or even interesting her.

Then it was Chandler's turn again. She watched the bottle as it seemed to spin in slow motion. She fully expected it to land on Emily again and was readying herself to look away when it slowed, passed Emily and eventually stopped...pointing directly at her.

Oh god. She swallowed, panicked as she looked at Phoebe with wide eyes who offered her an apologetic shrug. Monica didn't want to kiss him. Not in front of Emily and all their friends. Not when it was for some stupid party game and meant nothing. She was barely keeping it together as it was, barely surviving. She didn't need this but what choice did she have?

Trying to look as non-plussed as possible, even as her heart beat rapidly in her chest, she made her way to the middle of the circle, Chandler doing the same. Just a friendly peck of the lips, she told herself; it meant nothing and no one will notice anything. She could control herself for a few seconds, no matter how soft and tender his delicious lips looked. She grimaced, trying to erase those thoughts from her mind.

Friends. They were friends. It had to be a friendly kiss.

They met in the middle and she saw him swallow before craning his neck…

"Oh my God! The baby just kicked!"

Relieved, Monica moved away instantly, happily taking the excuse as everyone 'oohed' over Phoebe. She risked a look back at Chandler who was still in the center looking at her again, a thoughtful expression on his face. She looked away quickly, focusing on her pregnant friend.

As Phoebe got settled into a chair and the crowd dispersed a little she met Monica's eyes and winked. Monica laughed out loud, getting a few curious looks.

God bless Phoebe Buffay.

* * *

"Okay, so, I reckon we could still make dinner if we skipped the appetizers and asked for our check right away. You game?" Chandler teased causing Emily to laugh.

Monica resisted rolling her eyes, deciding if they could leave she could too. She turned towards her old front door when it opened suddenly revealing Rachel in her high-school cheer leader outfit. Oh dear...

"We can't leave now," Emily unknowingly echoed Monica's thoughts, "look Rachel's all dressed up."

Monica hastily approached her, "Have you lost your mind? What is wrong with you?"

"Me? You can hardly talk. You're the one that got freakishly obsessed over a damn light switch just to try and get over a guy. You put holes in the damn wall."

"Rachel!" Monica admonished, blushing furiously. She shot a quick glance behind her at Chandler and Emily and could tell they had heard every word.

Yet again.

This wasn't happening.

"Sorry," Rachel winced, also quickly shooting a look to Chandler. "I didn't mean…I, just...I let you do that, now let me do this. Trust me, I know what I'm doing. My lucky dress wasn't working out to well for me, but for four years, this baby never missed."

Monica just stepped aside silently letting her pass, her cheeks still burning. To make matters worse she could feel Chandler's intense eyes on her but she avoided him, deliberately walking to the other side of the room, pretending to take great interest in what her roommate was doing. She knew he would connect the dots soon if he hadn't already. He'd seen his name last night, twice tonight Rachel had mentioned a guy within his earshot and he knew she'd been down lately.

Hopefully he wouldn't figure out the full extent of the truth but he'd try to get her to talk again, that much she knew for certain. This time he'd know it was about a crush and the fact she wouldn't open up would only make him more suspicious. They'd no doubt get into another fight, emotions and quick-spoken words flying around and that would be dangerous.

It would all go so horribly wrong.

Damn it. She knew Rachel was going through a lot. Knew she was hurting over her breakup with Ross and was desperate to have something with Joshua to give herself confidence as well as proving a point to her brother. But right now she wanted to kill her.

Her arms came to hug herself, giving herself some of the comfort she craved. She was tempted to leave, to try and forget about the whole evening but she knew she couldn't, not now. Part of her was curious, unable to look away from this train wreck. Plus, as annoyed as she was with Rachel, she had a bad feeling about this in the pit of her stomach and knew her roommate would need her support tonight. Hopefully they could support each other.

She watched as Rachel improvised a cringe-worthy cheer to spell out 'Emily' and then winced as she cartwheeled into her old bedroom crashing painfully. Grateful to have something to focus on other than avoiding Chandler's steady gaze, she rushed to ensure Rachel was ok.

Her friend brushed herself off, assuring her she was fine as she tried to cover the pain she was obviously in as she went to talk to Joshua. Monica had to hand it to her, she was definitely persistent. With a shake of her head she went in search of more alcohol, topping up her wine glass.

"That almost made it worth coming."

The sudden voice beside her caused her to both jump in fright and cringe. Chandler. The one person she was desperately trying to avoid. Crap.

"Yeah, R-Rachel sure knows how to entertain," she kept it light, praying Chandler wouldn't try and talk to her here, her eyes tried to seek out Phoebe, begging for help but she was occupied with Ross and Emily who were laughing at something. "Um, Emily seems to be enjoying herself."

"At least someone is," he said in that soft caring tone and she squeezed her eyes shut. She would get over him. There would be someone else out there that made her feel this safe and warm. Someone else she would crave as badly as him.

"Yeah," she croaked out.

"Monica," he was using that tone, his serious I wanna be there for you tone and she almost growled in frustration. Why did this have to happen tonight? "This is all over a guy?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," her tone held a warning which she hoped he'd listen to.

He didn't.

"Why won't you talk to me? We tell each other everything?" he asked, hurt evident in his voice.

She shrugged uneasily, trying to think of what to say to stop this turning into a fight.

"Can we not do this now?" she almost pleaded, gesturing around the room, "this is supposed to be a party, a party for _your_ girlfriend."

"You've told Rachel and Phoebe," the statement was said quietly and she could tell that fact alone hurt him.

"It's Emily's last night here," Monica said quietly trying to keep her voice steady. "You should be making the most of her even if it is at some dumb impromptu party. She'll be in another country this time tomorrow, Chandler. Stop wasting time with me."

His blue eyes narrowed slightly as he continued to study her and she didn't like it. She didn't like the scrutiny. The longer he stared the longer she was worried that he would connect all the dots and actually figure this out. She didn't want that, couldn't have that,

"I'm serious," Monica insisted, desperate for him to stop looking at her like that. "Go be with Emily," her voice broke a little but she was pretty sure she saved it. "You'll regret it otherwise. Look me and my problems will still be here tomorrow."

"So you're finally admitting something's going on?" Chandler frowned and she sighed, flustered and irritated that he wouldn't drop it.

He was getting too close to the truth and she had to escape away from him. No good would come of this tonight.

"I need to use the bathroom."

As she quickly turned she felt his hand on her arm, preventing her from leaving. She swallowed before looking up to meet his concerned pained eyes.

"I-I'm just worried about you, Mon," he said quietly, sincerely."I'm not trying to intentionally piss you off."

She forced a smile onto her face, hoping it appeared at least somewhat genuine as she spoke just as quietly, holding back tears, "I appreciate that you care, Chandler. Really I do," and she did, sadly he would never know how much she appreciated his friendship.

"So talk to me."

She shook her head, knowing it wasn't an option, "We, ah, we can talk tomorrow."

"Tomorrow. I'm gonna hold you to that," he held her eyes a moment longer, searching before he swallowed and nodded, finally releasing her.

"Ok," she choked out before quickly retreating to the bathroom.

Leaning against the closed door she closed her eyes, trying control her breathing and willing herself to just snap out of it. This party would be over soon, then in the privacy of her own bedroom she could cry herself out. Mourn the loss of the relationship that never was and prepare herself for the inevitable conversation tomorrow.

Tomorrow. She couldn't deal with him knowing the truth, couldn't deal with the sympathy, rejection and of him letting her down no matter how gently. She was too fragile as it was.

Maybe in a few weeks when she was stronger, when Emily was either in or out of the picture she could tell him but not tomorrow. Not when everything was so fresh and raw. No, during the tears of tonight, she would have to come up with some lame cover story and pray it was good enough to fool him, or at least enough to keep him off her back until she healed.

If she ever healed.

* * *

A/N - and I hope I haven't bummed you out too much given it's Saturday night! Again thank you so much for the comments, you guys rock :o)


	8. Chapter 8

Once finally composed, Monica took one last deep breath before leaving the safety of the bathroom, only to see Joshua hastily heading out of the apartment door and a dejected-looking Rachel walking in her direction.

"What happened?" Monica asked her although she suspected she already knew the answer.

"He's not ready for a relationship," she sighed disappointed, a piece of bloodied tissue being held to her mouth. "Why do we always go after the guys we can't have?"

"It's a curse," Monica muttered, her eyes automatically seeking out her own curse, looking away quickly when she noticed he was watching her intently yet again. Why wouldn't he quit it?

"I'm sorry about all this," Rachel admitted quietly, gesturing with her free hand. "I shouldn't have dragged you into it, not when you've got your own problems right now."

Monica looked at her roommate taking in her slumped, defeated shoulders and miserable face before she eventually shrugged, not liking to hold a grudge. Besides, her world had been crumbling for a while now and Rachel was suffering from her own pain.

"It's ok," Monica promised quietly, her eyes involuntarily darting to Chandler who this time wasn't looking at her but was instead speaking to Emily, "Here or on my own, tonight was always gonna be hard."

"They won't carry on after tonight, I can tell," Rachel murmured, her eyes also on the pair in question.

"Doesn't matter, I need to move on regardless," Monica commented trying to sound determined, as if that statement alone didn't break her heart.

"Shouldn't you wait and decide that tomorrow? Once Emily leaves?"

She shook her head stubbornly, "I can't keep putting myself through this, besides, I'm not sure I should be taking advice from a 28 year old cheerleader missing a tooth," she joked lightly trying to lift the mood a little as she noticed Chandler starting to gesture in their direction to Emily.

"True," Rachel acknowledged.

"I think I can't risk it anymore, Rach," Monica admitted quickly, keeping her eyes on him and what he was up to, "it's too hard and what have I got to show for being in love with him these last few months? I've never felt so broken and worn down in my life. It's worse than when I broke up with Richard. At least then there was closure, with this I just keep hanging on to that little bit of hope, waiting and waiting and it's...it's destroying me. I have to find a way to move on, get over him somehow."

"Oh Monica," she was pulled in for a brief hug and she closed her eyes, savouring it for a moment, "you guys would be so good together. Just wait and see what happens with Emily before you make any firm decisions. There's no point putting yourself through all this and moving on if he's suddenly single and available tomorrow...which I still think he will be."

Although her heart was in denial, Monica knew deep down that she had to try and get over him and the magical 'what if'. No matter how wonderful Rachel or Phoebe or even herself thought they'd be and no matter how bright her mind had painted the future, she had to somehow accept that it was all just in her head.

It wasn't going to happen, it wasn't real.

She had to let go or go crazy.

"Everything alright?"

Chandler's voice so close made her jump, she hadn't noticed him approach but knowing his gorgeous eyes were no doubt fixed on her she nodded quickly, avoiding his gaze, "Uh huh."

"Great," he sounded far from convinced, although not quite at his usual sarcasm level. "That was a fantastic skit by the way Rach, just what this party needed to liven it up."

"Bite me," was her muttered response around the tissue to which he grinned slightly.

"I'd rather not, but, uh can I talk to you a minute? Out there," he gestured to the door.

Monica frowned as did Rachel. They shared a look.

"Me?"

"Yeah..." he confirmed.

They shared another look.

"Out there?" she questioned.

"Yeah..." Chandler confirmed again, this time it was his turn to frown slightly, "Ya know, I really didn't think it was that complex a question. Can I Chandler Bing, borrow you, Rachel Green out in the hallway for a moment?"

"Uh...ok, sure," Rachel eventually shrugged meeting Monica's worried eyes one last time before she followed him out into the hall and the door was shut firmly.

Monica's worried eyes stayed on the closed door, fighting all her instincts to run up and press her ear against it, to try and listen in on their conversation. Why would Chandler need to talk to Rachel? Privately? Oh god...was it about her? About her no-longer-a-secret crush? Was he going to press her for details?

No, she immediately chastened herself, why would he waste precious Emily time talking about her to Rachel? She'd already promised to talk to him tomorrow and he'd been okish with that. Plus, he could have easily have spoken with Phoebe. No, she was just being paranoid and overly self conscious. He probably just wanted to complain about the party or something else to do with Emily.

Emily.

Emily was over with Ross, Joey and Phoebe and Monica felt a little stupid for standing by herself, even if she was next to the remaining alcohol. With a sigh, she forcefully reminded herself that she was getting over Chandler and therefore she could stand in the same circle as his current girlfriend without bursting into flames.

Ensuring a fake smile was firmly plastered on her face she reluctantly joined the group.

"Hey Monica," Joey greeted her excitedly. "Emily was just telling us about this cool village in England called Sandwich! And it's even close to another town called Ham. There's actually a signpost that says Ham Sandwich! Isn't that awesome?"

"Yeah," she agreed, hoping she sounded enthused and that her mind was fully on the current conversation and not preoccupied with what was happening the other side of the door. "Pretty awesome."

"It's on the South East coast, in a county called Kent," Emily told her. "I promised Joey I'd take a photo and send it to him."

"And next time she visits she's gonna bring back a sandwich with her. A real British sandwich."

"How different do you think bread is gonna be in the UK?" Ross mocked and Emaily laughed, touching his arm.

Monica tried to smile but her mind was instantly sticking on the fact that if Emily was planning to return and was going to send photos then she definitely was expecting to stick around. Not that it should matter. Emily or no-Emily, it was time to move forward, to move on and forget about Chandler.

She couldn't and wouldn't put herself through this any longer.

"Are you enjoying the party?" Emily asked politely, "It was such a surprise! I had no idea"

"Really? How about that," Monica muttered, before faking another smile, tucking a strand of loose hair behind her ear. "So, uh, what time is your flight tomorrow?"

"Oh, it's a very early one but Chandler's kindly going to take me to the airport," she smiled, missing Monica's immediate grimace. "Actually, we should probably head home soon, once Chandler's back of course."

"You're leaving?" Ross asked, seemingly disappointed.

"Well-"

She was saved from answering as the man in demand walked through the door, a somewhat bemused expression on his face.

"Are you ok, man?" Joey asked.

"Ye-ah, I think so," he murmured, scratching his head as he looked mightily confused, "Joshua came back. The cheerleader thing actually worked."

Ross made a weird scoffing sound whilst the others looked surprised.

"Wow," Phoebe commented. "Who knew?"

"Maybe that's where I'm going wrong," Monica mumbled, trying to make a joke, trying to show everyone that she was fine. She _was_ fine. "Maybe I need to dig out my old high school outfits."

"Monica, your old high school outfits would fit all 6 of us in," Ross joked.

She rolled her eyes, a little surprised that Chandler hadn't joined in the teasing, he was usually first with the fat jokes. She shot him a look but he was staring off blankly into space.

"Chandler, shall we get going?" Emily asked but he didn't respond. "Chandler?" she repeated, touching his arm.

He jerked slightly looking at her and blinking, "Errm, yeah, sure, let's go."

As the couple said their goodbyes and fetched their coats Monica felt Phoebe move to stand beside her in silent support. She watched as they made it to the door and Chandler, being ever the gentleman, let Emily through first. Just before he pulled the door closed behind him, his eyes sought out Monica's and they locked, connecting and unnerving her. He held the intense gaze for several uncomfortable seconds before he ripped his eyes away, swallowing and finally leaving.

Monica swallowed too. What the hell was that?

"I'm gonna head home as well," Ross sighed, interrupting her thoughts. "Phoebs do you want to share a cab?"

"Sure," she nodded, "just give me a sec. Monica a word?"

Still a little on edge, Monica followed her to the empty kitchen area, still trying to shake off Chandler's look.

"Are you ok?" she asked. "It looked a little intense? What's going on?"

"He knows something's wrong and now thanks to Rachel he knows it's over a guy," she admitted with a sigh. "I told him I'd talk to him tomorrow. Maybe he'll get too caught up in Emily stuff and forget all about it?" she mused suddenly hopeful.

"I doubt it, he worries about you too much," Phoebe told her, crushing her short-lived hope.

"Then I guess I've got tonight to come up with a realistic lie...or I skip town for a while until it all blows over and he forgets?"

"Or," Phoebe protested pointedly, "you just tell him the truth and unburden it all. Especially if you're planning on moving on anyway. What's the harm?"

"I'm not telling him anything," she sighed, wishing the girls would drop the idea. "He's gonna be upset over Emily and he doesn't need this thrown at him."

"That's what you said when he broke up with Kathy," she reminded her gently. "You have to start doing what's gonna help you."

"I was right then about Kathy and I'm right now about Emily," she shook her head. "The truth is just going to screw him up and our friendship in the process. He's my best friend, Phoebe and I need to look out for him. I'm always gonna consider his needs before my own and that's the way it should be. I don't want to destroy our friendship over this."

"Ok," Phoebe reluctantly agreed, calming her. "Ok, if you're sure."

Monica nodded, "I'm sure. I know it's gonna be hard but I need to try and get over him. It doesn't matter what happens tonight between them, whether they finish or decide to continue it, I need to move on. I just need to come up with something, or some _one_ at least to make a good cover story."

"If you think that's best," she answered neutrally, obviously not agreeing but not wanting to upset her further.

"It is," Monica insisted firmly.

"Did you want me to stay tonight?"

"No," Monica shook her head, "Thanks for the offer but I'll be ok." Phoebe shot her a sceptical look. "Really, I'll be fine."

Phoebe nodded, pulling her in for a quick hug, telling her to phone her if things got too much tonight. Agreeing, she waved goodbye as Ross and Phoebe left. The other party guests went soon after and as Joey was no where to be found she started to idly pick up a few bits of trash in the empty apartment. There wasn't much as they hadn't been prepared for a party but she tidied away what she could, using it as a delaying tactic.

She didn't want to go home and face an empty bed.

She didn't want to go home and face reality.

The reality of finding a way to say goodbye to her crush and find some way of moving on. Really moving on, to get rid of all the cravings and feelings she had for him. It wasn't going to be easy. Especially as she loved him dearly as a friend but once a upon a time she had been able to feel love for him in a friendly way and she had to retrace her steps and try and find the line again.

And whilst doing that she'd have to come up with a story, a fake cover up that she'd have to believe in enough in order to make him believe it. Maybe she could keep the story real, keep the pain and the anguish but just change the characters. Make the man imaginary, someone unattainable that she wanted but couldn't have. Someone she was trying to move on from.

Then she could finally open up to him with a half truth. Finally seek the comfort she'd been craving. Finally let him hug her and get over the tension between them...or make it even worse. Having his arms around her, having him hold her and whisper reassurances in her ear was not how she would move on from him. Couldn't. It would only make her fall in love with him even more...and possibly drive the wedge even deeper between them when he realized she was still withholding the complete truth.

She growled, frustrated at her thoughts and frustrated that she still didn't know what to do. Annoyed at herself and the hopelessness of the situation she started to redo the washing up, trying to scrub away her anger at the injustice of the world; it wasn't that she didn't trust Gunther, but she'd do anything to delay the inevitable.

The dishes were finished quickly and looking around the spotless apartment she realized she had no choice left. Praying but doubting she'd be tired enough to just fall into a restless sleep she headed for her own apartment. Peeking in carefully she hoped she wouldn't find Rachel performing a private cheer session for Joshua, she shuddered at the thought. Hearing some disturbing noises she backed away and closed the door firmly, cringing.

Tonight was going to be painful enough and she couldn't have those sounds in the background mocking her. Instead she headed back over to the boys apartment, settling into Chandler's Barcalounger, trying to snuggle into it. The hope of falling asleep quickly evaded her as she shuffled uncomfortably before shivering. She needed a blanket. Not sure where the boys would keep one she wandered over to the open bedroom door. Rachel's former room. Now Chandler's.

Monica flicked on the light switch and studied the room briefly. It still looked like Rachel's old room but with a splash of Chandler. All his things dotted around, the toys and the Mr Potato heads made it just breathe him. She walked further in, her fingers lightly brushing over the random items and picking up a disgarded sweater from the floor, folding it neatly onto the chair back before her eyes fell onto his bed.

She knew he wouldn't mind her sleeping there. In fact he'd probably insist if he knew her only other options were with a horny cheerleader. Plus, she knew he wouldn't be home tonight...he'd spend all night and morning with Emily, touching her, caressing her, worshipping her. Making the most of their last few hours together whilst no doubt realizing that they couldn't let this new found love go and start making plans for their future together.

Damn it, she squeezed her eyes shut, cursing her train of thought. It didn't matter what they were doing tonight or what they decided to do period.

It didn't matter any more, she was moving on.

Without him.

No, Chandler wouldn't careless if she spent the night here...the real question was whether _she_ could handle it. Handle being in his bed, in such an intimate setting, surrounded by his smell and presence. But maybe it would be nice? Symbolic even. Where better to say goodbye than in his bedroom? Let her heart and mind see exactly what they were giving up and come to terms with it in the most comforting place possible. She hadn't allowed herself to be comforted by him in person, so maybe this was the next best thing?

Emotions high and tiredness strong, she flicked off the light and allowed the moonlight to guide her to the inviting-looking bed. Knowing she was playing with fire, she stripped out of her clothes and slipped on one of his old t-shirts. She might as well go full out, as Joey had pointed out with Phoebe eating meat earlier- if you're gonna do something wrong, do it right. The fabric was soft, his smell clinging to the fibers and she closed her eyes savouring it for a brief moment before she crawled under the covers, letting him slowly surround her.

She felt both secure and unsafe at the same time. Being here was so right, so nice and so warm and so Chandler. But at the same time this was what she was losing. Chandler. Tears pressed against her eyelids and she let them slowly fall as she silently mourned what could have been.

Wishing she could get a hug as she broke down a thought occurred to her. Not entirely sure where he would be kept in the room changeover, she turned on the bedside light and looked under the bed. Her blurry eyes found the box she was after, dragging it out she pulled off the lid and was pleased to see the familiar red fabric bag. Lifting it out she unraveled it to reveal the cheeky smile she was after.

Humut.

Instantly a smile came to her own face despite the tears staining her cheeks. Letting out a grateful laugh she pulled the soft well-loved bear from the bag and pushed the box back under the bed. She studied the sewn face and warm dangling button eyes, letting her fingers run through the worn fuzz of his body before she pulled it to her chest to hug the life out of him.

Monica settled back under the covers, keeping Humut Ted close to her. She remembered the day she had discovered him, when she was helping Chandler with a deep clean many years ago. He'd blushed and admitted he was his oldest friend and although it might be childish he couldn't bring himself to part with his childhood toy. So he kept him stashed away but still close.

It was a secret only the two of them shared and she loved that.

He'd confessed that he'd had the bear since birth, a present from a grandparent. It had always been with him, hugged or clutched in his tiny hands. Before he could properly talk he used to point at the bear and make a grabbing gesture before demanding 'Humut Ted'. It took his parents a while to realize he was trying to say 'have my Ted' but by then the name had truly stuck.

Before he had discovered cigarettes and alcohol, Humut bear had gotten him through some dark rough times of his childhood and now Monica hoped this simple stuffed toy could do the same and get her through this dark rough night; protect her and keep her safe from her demons because that's what she desperately needed tonight.

Closing her eyes she let her tears fall freely, landing on the bear as she squeezed him tighter to her.

She just prayed she had the inner strength to get her through not only tonight but also for whatever tomorrow would bring.

* * *

A/N: Again a huge huge thank you for the reviews! I really love reading your thoughts on this story.

For anyone interested the bit about Ham and Sandwich is true (I may have been one of those lame tourists that took a picture next to the Sandwich sign posing with a sandwich...seemed funny at the time). Also, Humut Ted is actually real and belongs to my hubby and currently sleeps under our own bed hee hee.


	9. Chapter 9

"Ahhh!"

Monica snapped awake, panicked as it took her a moment to fully orientate herself in the darkness.

"Jesus, Mon," she looked up to see Chandler's darkened figure standing beside the bed, a hand clutched at his chest, "you gave me a fricking heart-attack. What the heck are you doing here?"

She tried to make her own heart beat slow down, tried to calm herself, "Sorry, I...Rachel was entertaining Joshua and…"

"Ew," he shook his head. "Say no more, I don't even wanna imagine what they're doing with those poor pompoms."

Smiling slightly she nodded in agreement before frowning, "Wait, what are you doing here?" she asked, sitting up slightly, it was still dark out. The nightstand clock confirming it was only shortly after 1am.

"Me? It's my bedroom," he retorted.

"I mean why aren't you with Emily? It's your last night together and I didn't think you'd be back…god she's not here is she?" Monica asked as fear overtook her at the thought, "I can explain! I'll tell her that-"

"Relax, she's not here," he dismissed with a sigh as he sat on the edge of the bed, "In fact we kinda broke up."

Feelings of disbelief, hope and guilt filled her simultaneously.

"W-what?" She questioned surprised; she'd genuinely thought that this thing between them would keep going and that they'd stay together.

He shrugged a little self-consciously and didn't offer much else.

"I'm sorry," she consoled him, and part of her genuinely was. She didn't want him hurt by this, she didn't want him going through more heart ache. "Do you want me to go? Let you have your bed back?"

"Nah, you're alright," he told her as he started to casually undo his shirt buttons, "We had a really good talk about stuff," he admitted, peeling off his shirt but leaving on his tee as he stood, taking a few steps away and turning his back to her to take off his pants.

Warning bells suddenly started going off in her head. She was meant to spend the night getting over him, try to find a way to come to peace with the fact they'd never be together. Yet here he was practically getting naked in front of her, about to crawl into bed beside her? No, it was too intimate, far too much, she couldn't cope with this. Not tonight.

"You sure you don't want me to leave?" she asked, desperate to not be in this situation. "Rachel and Joshua should be finished and…" she started to get up.

"No," he dismissed, "It would be nice if you stayed actually, hung out a bit."

She swallowed hard, "We don't usually hang out in your bed," she pointed out, fully awake as adrenaline and dread started to rush through her veins. How was she going to get out of here?

"Eh tomato, tomah-toe," he waved easily as he climbed under the covers.

A silence settled over them and Monica held herself rigid, trying to come up with an excuse to leave. To get out of his bed and get the hell out of dodge.

"We both thought it was for the best," he spoke his confession quietly into the dark and she knew she'd have to stay and listen. That's what best friends did, listened whilst their friends poured their hearts out and he deserved it from her, no matter how much it would undoubtedly hurt. "It's been a great couple of weeks, really great but it's not going to go any further. Neither of us are….'there' you know? It's been fun but she was looking for a holiday romance and I was on a rebound. Besides, there's other people and-"

"Other people?" she quickly questioned, confused but immediately interested.

"And," he continued as if she hadn't interrupted him, "Neither of us would want to do the long distance thing, especially not as it was just a bit of a fling. So, it finished amicably and it seemed best to just hug it out and say goodbye. No point drawing it out and spending the night together, or at least what was left of the night."

"What other people?" Monica repeated.

"Oh, apparently she's seeing some guy back in England, Colin or Craig or something, I wasn't really paying attention to be honest."

"She's dating someone else?"

Monica was shocked, she would never have guessed. She was amazed that Chandler was taking it so well given that he was cheated on not that long ago and the heart break that had caused him. Why wasn't he freaked about being the other guy? Why wasn't he at least angry or pissed at the woman?

"Ye-ah, it isn't that serious though, she'd told him if she met someone over here that she'd have some 'fun' and apparently he was cool with that. I don't know, it sounds kinda weird to me but if it works for them then who am I to judge?"

She thought he had every right to judge and although she was still unnerved by his casual attitude she didn't purposely want to upset him, so instead settled with a quietly murmured, "It would have been nice of her to let you know."

"Eh," he shrugged slightly. "She knew I was on the rebound."

"Wait, you said 'people'," Monica pointed out, a new tension filling her body. "The English guy is singular so who else?"

"Well, between you and me, I think she has a thing for your brother."

"Ross?" she screwed up her face. "Really?"

"Yeah," he shrugged again, "I think she's a little gutted that she met me first and not him. Thinks they would have a lot in common, which I can kinda see, I mean he would have probably appreciated that stupid door-knob museum."

"True, but I don't think Rachel would have been too pleased," she mused.

It was his turn to pull a confused face, "Isn't the reason you're over _here_ because she's over _there_ , with Joshua?"

"I don't think that would make any difference to Rachel," Monica pointed out lightly. "It's complicated."

Chandler merely nodded, knowing all too well just how complicated the Rachel/Ross saga was. It went quiet for a few long moments and Monica wondered if he was going to try and get some sleep.

"There's someone else as well," he finally confessed, his voice soft.

"What?" Monica's eyes widened in shock as she turned to him, "seriously she's got another guy? You, Colin and Ross aren't enough? Please don't tell me it's Joey because..."

"It's not Joey," a small smile touched his lips before quickly disappearing as he searched for his next words. "It's not another guy, no that came out wrong," he said quickly frowning, "what I mean is it, uh there isn't another person for Emily…the other person is for me."

"Oh," she said quietly, trying to process what he meant. "I-"

What was he saying? That he liked someone else? Already? From Kathy to Emily and now onto someone else? What if it was Janice? What if after they bumped into her in the nail bar she'd phoned him, talked to him, reawakened feelings? What if Kathy had been back in touch, wanting to reconcile or what if fate just really hated her and he had randomly bumped into his soulmate on the street between Emily's hotel and here. A lump caught in her throat and she told herself not to cry, she couldn't, not here with him lying next to her.

Besides, so what if there was some other girl? She was meant to be getting over him anyway. No way could she put her heart through this again, she wasn't strong enough. She just needed to get through this next conversation, pretend to be happy for him and then wish him good night. He'd fall asleep and she could escape across the hall to safety where she could break down and curse any gods still awake at this hour.

"How long have you been in love with me?" he asked softly and she jerked in surprise.

Frozen she didn't speak, couldn't. Had she heard him right? Blood drained from her face, her heart beating painfully in her chest. Was this a dream? A nightmare? Dear god this couldn't be happening.

"Mon?" he asked quietly, barely above a whisper as he turned on his side to face her. She could feel him studying her as he propped his head up with his hand but didn't know what to say. Instead she shook her head. "You can talk to me," he whispered softly, gently. "I get why you didn't think you could before and I'm sorry you went through all that."

She squeezed her eyes shut trying to block everything out as she trembled slightly. She refused to let the tears fall and refused to answer him. She didn't want this conversation, not tonight. Not when she was at her most vulnerable. In a couple of weeks, when she was in a better place, when she was over him and had some closure…maybe then she could look back at this moment in her life but not now, not whilst it was so raw.

"Talk to me," he pleaded and she felt his hand on her cheek, his thumb brushing away the tears that had managed to leak through, "please?"

She knew she couldn't avoid him, she couldn't lie to him not when he was this close to her and using that soft concerned tone that always tugged at her heart strings. She was trapped and out of options.

"I'm sorry," she finally choked out her confession. "I didn't mean to."

"Mean to what?" he prompted gently, his hand still lightly cupping her cheek as she tried to ignore the feelings it was evoking.

"Fall in love with you," she whispered, swallowing hard.

This was so difficult, harder than she could have imagined.

"When did it happen?" he asked curious, non judgementally. "Before or after Kathy?"

"During," she admitted guiltily. "I tried to ignore it, tried to get over it but I couldn't and then Emily came along."

"And now it's my turn to be sorry," he confessed causing her to open her eyes and meet his own for just a second before averting her gaze to the ceiling, "If I'd even had the slightest hint that you felt this way I wouldn't have even looked twice at Emily."

She sighed, trying to keep further tears from falling. This isn't what she wanted. She didn't want his pity.

"Chandler-"

"No," he shook his head, wanting to finish, "See, I needed a distraction, she took my mind off everything but I'd take it all back in a second if I'd known what it was doing to you, that it was the reason you'd been so down lately. I never wanted you to get hurt by it, never."

Fresh tears started to fall and her heart started to fill with such a deep love for the man. Monica allowed herself to bask in the warmth for a brief moment. To bask in how much their friendship meant to him, how much _she_ meant to him. Even if she never had him as a boyfriend she was his best friend and she was damn proud of that fact.

"It's not your fault," she promised.

His hand lightly stroked her cheek before cupping it.

"Yes it is," he said firmly whilst gently turning her face and waiting for her to meet his eyes, "I should have figured out what was bothering you. You're my best friend, I should have worked it out myself long before tonight."

Knowing he wasn't to blame for any of this and hating that he was feeling guilty she shook her head, "I tried to hide it."

"I know," he offered her a sad smile, "I know but you shouldn't have had to, not from me, never from me. I'm the one person Mon, _your_ person. You know that right?" Drawn into his intense blue eyes she could only nod. "I meant everything I said in the past, about wanting to be your boyfriend, about the single at 40 deal, about you being the most beautiful woman I know and being my favorite...I've wanted to be with you since forever."

Monica stared at him, her brain unable to comprehend what she was hearing. Did he...could he mean?

"What are you saying?" she practically begged, needing to completely understand, her heart unable to take any false hope.

He kept his eyes locked on hers, "I'm saying if you want to be with me then I sure as hell want to be with you."

She couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"Y-you're serious?"

He offered her a cute little smile, his hand brushing her cheek before moving up into her hair, lightly stroking, "Of course I am. I've always had a little thing for you, always knew how amazing you were but never thought you'd ever want me."

She swallowed, still not quite believing this was actually happening.

"This, this is crazy," she muttered.

He chuckled, "It is," he agreed, "this whole day, these last couple weeks, _hell_ this last month have all been pretty out there," he then turned serious again. "Can we take this slow, like really slow? I'm not the guy that goes from one relationship straight into another and then another...I'm usually the guy that can't even get a girl. Look, I rushed into things with Emily to distract me from everything that happened with Kathy but just give me a bit of time to actually deal with everything that happened before _we_ do this? I- I've wanted to be with you for so long and I don't want to jump into it and risk screwing it up over some leftover baggage I forgot to check out."

"O-of course," she nodded, still in awe before her smile grew wide, "I'll give you as much time as you need and help in anyway, I-I just still can't believe this."

"I know," he nodded, seeming just as dumbstruck, "I know."

They stared at each other a little longer letting the realization that this was real gradually wash over them. Then slowly, tentatively they leaned forward, closing the gap between them as their lips met for their first kiss. She couldn't get over how soft and gentle they were and how good he tasted. As his lips softly caressed hers she realized that the man could kiss! Pressing forward, she deepened it as she desperately tried to memorize how he felt, in case it was all just a dream.

After they broke apart they stared at each other a little longer, a shy matching smile curving on both their faces.

"That was..." he started, then licked his lips, "well, um, it was..."

"Yeah, it was," she grinned, taking him in as she tried to take in what had happened tonight. It was huge. "I, uh I should probably go," Monica said after a long moment, still smiling.

"Don't you dare," he grinned, his arms sneaking around her waist, frowning as his hand hit something. "What's this?" he murmured, grabbing it and knowing before he even pulled it out from the covers. "Humut? You cheating on me already? Sorry, that isn't funny."

Monica smiled as she watched him study the old bear, his hands running over it's face.

"Should I even ask?" he eventually questioned.

"I needed a hug," she admitted slightly embarrassed, "and as you weren't around I thought he was the next best thing."

He nodded, contemplating the stuffed toy in his hands for another moment before he grinned up at Monica, "Well, I'm around now..."

With that he tossed the bear over his shoulder and onto the floor.

"Chandler!" she chuckled in protest and he laughed, pulling her into his arms.

"He'll get over it," Chandler dismissed, as he pressed another kiss to her willing lips.

She closed her eyes sinking into the kiss, loving the new exciting feelings that she was experiencing. The happiness, joy and lightness seemed almost alien, a stark contrast to the emotions that had been crushing her recently.

As the kiss ended she met his sparkling eyes, his own happiness obvious and she couldn't help but feel almost euphoric.

She'd never expected this, never.

Suddenly a yawn broke through his smile and he grinned apologetically, "Sorry, we should probably try and get some sleep."

"Are you sure you don't want me to go back to my own bed?" she offered. "If we're taking this slow..."

"We're just lying next to each other," he dismissed, tightening his arms around her. "There's no rules against that, it's hardly counted as nookie."

"Nookie?" she teased his choice of vocabulary.

"Besides," he ignored her, "you're all warm and comfy," he demonstrated by cuddling her with a contented sigh.

"I know but-"

"Mon," he turned slightly serious, "you've been through so much lately, let me at least be there for you now...I can give you that hug you needed? Please? Stay?"

She swallowed, strong feelings of love and gratitude for him threatening to overwhelm her.

"I'll take that as a yes," he smiled lopsidedly, pecking her lips one last time before closing his eyes, "G'night, Mon,"

Still in awe of the entire situation it took her several moments before she could finally respond.

"Good night, Chandler."

Loving the feeling of being held by him, loving the comfort and security she snuggled further into his embrace, her head nestled in the crook of his neck. She felt him press a light kiss to her hair and she smiled, closing her own eyes she let her senses be filled with Chandler.

She knew she wouldn't be able to comprehend this in the morning.

She knew it would take a while to fully accept that the heart ache was over and this was beginning.

But, she also knew that for the first time in weeks she'd be able to sleep contentedly with Chandler wrapped around her and a large smile on her face.

* * *

A/N : Thanks again for sticking with this one and for the lovely comments and reviews. I've loved hearing all your suggestions! I know some of you were wondering if this would go as far as the London plot but I could never quite imagine Chandler wanting to marry so quickly, however that said if anyone wants to write an AU of this AU feel free!

Anyhow, I would love to hear your thoughts - it will inspire me to finish the last chapter(s)...


	10. Chapter 10

As Monica slowly drifted to consciousness she was aware of some movement in the room. Opening her eyes she noticed it was still dark but a lazy smile came to her face as she realised the figure moving around was Chandler. She watched contentedly as he zipped up some kind of holdall, not caring what he was doing because she was in his room, in his bed and he was here.

All proof that last night actually happened.

It wasn't a dream.

"Hey," she eventually greeted quietly and he spun around in surprise.

She watched as a genuine smile spread across his gorgeous face, "Hey yourself," he walked over to sit on the edge of the bed automatically taking her hand in his, "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you so early."

"What are you doing up at…" her eyes left his to look over at the small beside clock, "5.30am?"

"Aw," he pulled a slight face as he played with her fingers, "see last night Joey decided him, me and Ross would go fishing for the weekend. He thought I'd be bummed about Emily, Ross bummed about Joshua and he really enjoyed it the other weekend…despite falling into that bait vat."

Monica screw her face up, "I vividly remember the smell."

"Me too," he chuckled, his eyes creasing in the corners as his other hand came up to play with her messed hair. "He'd already organized it and wanted to set off early. It's ok I go right? I could cancel?"

Monica's hand came up to tangle with his, interlacing their fingers, "Go, just make sure you don't let anyone come back smelling like that."

"Deal," he chuckled, squeezing her hand, "Sure you don't mind though? You've been through a lot lately and-"

"Chandler, you don't have to ask permission, I'll be fine. Like you said last night we're gonna take this slowly. It's probably a good idea we get a couple of days apart, let you start sorting through that relationship baggage."

"I guess you're right," he nodded regretfully, "Though part of me would rather just stay here with you in this room all weekend."

Surprised she let out a laugh, "As much as I've imagined that, I don't think that's the smart option here."

"It is the _fun_ option," he swallowed before her words caught up with him, "Wait, you've thought about spending all weekend in my bed?"

"Many times," she smiled, loving how easy it was to tease him.

"Yeah?" His voice was a little hoarse. "Really?"

"Uh huh," she smiled, swallowing a little herself, "I've imagined all sorts of things with you, Bing."

He closed his eyes, giving himself a moment and she grinned. Amazed she could do this to him and enjoying their first go at flirting.

"Please don't tell me any of them," he begged, "I can't be stuck on a fishing boat for 2 days with those sorta images in my head."

She chuckled, happiness bubbling up inside of her as she pulled him down to her, their lips meeting instantly for their good morning kiss. The sparks from last night quickly consumed them and he let out a little groan at the contact, his body shifting to lay partly on top of her. It was her turn to groan as she deepened the kiss, her hands roaming his back, pressing him closer to her. It felt soooo good having his weight on top of her, so good to have his lips...

"Woah hey, I'm sorry dude!"

Suddenly Chandler's lips and body were no longer on her as he jumped guiltily away. Monica winced as Joey's apologetic face turned to shock as he took in exactly who Chandler had in his bed.

"Wh-What the hell?" Joey asked confused. "Monica?"

"Um," Chandler ran his hands through his hair, his eyes darted to Monica who shrugged slightly. "Look, it's complicated, what did you actually want, Joe?"

"Oh, I thought I heard you moving about in here and I just wanted to make sure you were alright after last night…but I can see you're more than alright," he did a dirty grin and Monica rolled her eyes.

"I'm definitely more than alright," Chandler agreed, his eyes landing on Monica making her blush slightly as he continued smiling.

"You're still fishing right?" Joey asked suddenly worried, "I'm up early and-"

"I'm still coming," Chandler reassured, "Now do you mind waiting out there for me please," he used his thumb to gesture to the door.

"Fine, but don't forget Ross will be here any minute and he may not take to kindly to _that_." With that piece of advice he left, closing the door behind him.

"I guess I should go back before Ross arrives," Monica sighed starting to sit up.

"No no no," he shook his head, gently pushing her back down. Crouching by the side of the bed to be level with her. "Stay, it's still stupidly early. I'll go and meet Ross out there, he won't know you're here. Stay, it's kinda cool knowing you're in my bed," he blushed slightly, "that ok?"

"Yeah," she grinned thrilled, it was more than ok.

"Good," he leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. "Besides Humut needs company."

She laughed as the stuffed toy was shoved at her. With a final kiss he stood up reluctantly, letting his eyes take her in. He continued to stare until he heard the apartment door close.

"Crap, I better go," he said softly, placing one last lingering kiss which deliciously curled her toes. "Have a good weekend."

"You too, enjoy your trip."

He met her eyes, holding them for a long moment before finally nodding, grabbing his already packed bag and leaving the room. She laid back down contently hugging Humut to her chest as she listened to the boys in the living room. After a few minutes she heard them leave and the apartment went quiet. Knowing she was safe and loved she smiled closing her eyes.

* * *

She awoke the second time to a loud crash. Confused, she slowly got out of bed, stretching before poking her head out of Chandler's doorway. The boys had left for the weekend and she had nothing to hide from the girls; still, she let out a sigh of relief when she saw who it was.

"Hey Phoebs," she greeted, emerging fully from the bedroom.

"No wonder I couldn't find you at your place," Phoebe smirked taking in her friend's ruffled yet satisfied appearance. "What's going on? Why are you coming out of Chandler's bedroom?"

Monica couldn't stop the wide grin spreading across her face at the memory of this morning as Phoebe looked shocked, "You didn't?!"

"No, we didn't do _that_ ," she smiled, pouring herself a cup of coffee and climbing onto a stool by the fooseball table. "We talked though," she slipped her hands around the warm mug, "...and maybe we kissed a bit."

"You kissed!" Phoebe exclaimed excitedly. "Oh my god. So he knows about your feelings? Are you getting together? But wait, what happened with Emily? Damn Ross for making me leave early – I missed everything!"

"You didn't leave early," Monica chuckled. "It happened way after the party."

"So what happened? How did it go from him leaving with Emily to waking up with you?"

"Well-"

"Good morning!" Rachel acclaimed happily as she burst through the front door in her silk gown, unknowingly interrupting her roomate's story. "I had the _best_ night ever with Joshua, he's amazing! I mean I hoped he would be but mmmm."

"I can't believe that cheerleader skit worked," Monica chuckled into her coffee, her mood lighter than it had been for weeks.

"I told you it never fails," Rachel grinned, before taking her friend in. "You're in an awfully good mood?"

"Monica got with Chandler!" Phoebe burst out, clapping her hands together excitedly as Rachel turned her shocked face towards her.

"Nooooo! Seriously?"

"Uh huh," Monica beamed, still trying to get her head around the news herself, it still didn't seem real just yet. "We're taking it slowly though, finding our feet."

"I...but I thought you were going to 'move on' from him?"

"Me too, it didn't happen that way though," she confessed happily, more than pleased things hadn't gone to plan.

"Ya know, thinking about it I'm not completely surprised," Rachel admitted as she settled onto an empty stool. "I mean, especially given what he said last night..."

"What d'ya mean?" Monica asked curious, shooting a look to Phoebe who looked just as intrigued. "What did he say?"

"Last night when he 'wanted a word' out in the hall? Before Joshua showed up?" They nodded, following her. "He wanted to know about the guy you liked, but it was like he already knew it was him. He didn't come right out and say it or ask but he said something like 'Let me guess I know this guy, right? He's a sarcastic, screw up that's currently having a fling with a British chick?'"

"Why didn't you warn me?" Monica asked shocked, whacking her arm.

"Because Joshua arrived before I could say anything and then we, well you know, I was otherwise occupied," she shrugged mightily happy herself. "I was going to tell you this morning...but I guess I'm a little late for that. So, what happened? How did you get together?"

Monica relented, a dreamy smile coming to her face as she recounted what had happened between them last night and this morning.

"I'm so happy for you!"

She found herself getting hugged from both sides and hugged them back. It felt like an eternity since she'd been this carefree.

"So, you've got to entertain yourself for a couple of days until he's back?" Phoebe asked, "I bet this is killing you!"

"It is," she admitted, "But it's probably best to have a bit of time to get our heads around this. I mean, he's only just finished with Emily and before that Kathy really screwed with him. Plus, this time yesterday I thought it was game over, so I need to adapt to this change...but still, even knowing that logically, part of me feels I've waited long enough and just want to say to hell with it and go gate crash their fishing weekend."

"I bet Ross would love you for that," Rachel snorted. "You barging in and jumping his best friend."

Monica chuckled, part of her warming to the idea.

"As much as I would love to witness that, you need a 'Monica' project," Phoebe suggested to which Rachel nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, plus I'm not meeting up with Joshua until tonight, so we can all do something together. Now what else can you do to that crappy apartment to make it nicer?"

Monica pondered this for a moment, a project would be nice, plus once he was back she hoped she wouldn't have much time for projects for a while. A little thrill ran through her. She was going to be dating Chandler Bing.

"You know what you guys should do?" Phoebe mused idly, "Swap the apartments back whilst they are away."

"What?" Monica frowned as Rachel 'Oooohed' excitedly.

"That's a great idea!"

"It is?" Monica worried, not wanting Chandler to be pissed with her straight away.

"Oh come on, they can't seriously expect to keep this apartment forever, plus he can hardly be mad with you now. You're his girlfriend, it's his...job to agree with you."

"Hardly," she scoffed, although the thought of switching back did sound appealing. Very appealing, she missed her purple walls.

"Monica," Phoebe joined in, "the man has always had a soft spot for you and now you're getting together. I'm sure you'll be able to find a way to make it up to him," she chuckled raising her eyebrows suggestively causing Monica to blush slightly. "Besides, now he's with you he'll be able to stay in your room, which is bigger than Rachel's anyway."

She chewed her lip for just a moment in indecision. Would he forgive her if they did this?

"Oh screw it," she finally agreed, standing up, "let's do this!"

* * *

Monica lay dozing on the couch, exhausted from their efforts in swapping the apartments. Phoebe had already left, far too tired and pregnant to hang around and Rachel was officially on a first date with Joshua. With a sigh she grabbed a worn book, unearthed during the moving process and idly opened the cover when the phone started to ring.

"Hello?" she questioned.

"Hey, it's me," came Chandler's soft voice.

"Hey me," she replied just as softly, surprised by the instant smile that sprung to her face and the butterflies in her stomach. She couldn't believe he could have this immediate affect on her.

His deep chuckle transmitted over the phone line and her smile widened, she liked making him laugh.

"How goes the fishing?" she asked, settling comfortably back into the cushions. "Caught anything?"

"Eh, not really, it's ok though," she could picture him shrugging, "I'm pleased to report there's been no bait incidents as of yet. Although, Joey did fall asleep at one point and almost fell into the water...but that's another story for another day," he dismissed. "What about you? What have you been up to?"

"Oh," she swallowed, suddenly feeling a little guilty and unfortunately knowing her too well he picked up on it immediately.

"What did you do?" he mock chastened in a tone she'd heard him use on Joey many a time.

"Um..."

"Monica?" he drawed out her name.

"We kinda switched our apartments back," she admitted wincing. "But if you think about it it actually works out better because now we're...you know together, we'd get the best rooms in both apartments and I mean apartment 19 is a lot nicer now than when you had it what with all the work I've put in and well, it's much more boyish than our apartment and-

"Mon, don't worry about it," he dismissed easily with an unexpected chuckle, "take a breath, it's fine."

"Really?" she asked surprised, her brow furrowing, "but you've been so dead against moving back?"

"Well..." it was his turn to trail off embarrassed.

"Well?" she challenged both intrigued and amused.

"Well...let's just say that something pretty awesome happened last night and I got something I'd been hoping for for such a long time that I suspect I'll be in a damn good mood for a long time and stuff like this I really won't care about." She felt the tips of her ears turning pink, not sure of what to reply as he waited a beat,"...last night I got to play spin the bottle."

"Chandler!" she scolded but the smile was still embedded on her features.

"You know I'm kidding," his voice had taken that soft teasing tone and she couldn't believe it was finally directed at her. "I missed you today."

Blushing deeper at his confession, she tucked her hair behind her ear, "I missed you too," she admitted as a warm feeling came over her.

"Good, I'm, uh glad this patheticness isn't one sided." She could picture his shy boyish grin which came through in his voice and wished she could see it in person.

"It's definitely not," Monica promised swallowing.

"I really wish I wasn't stuck out here," he sighed, "I'd much rather be with you, getting into this new thing."

"Me too," she admitted, "but it would kinda defeat the object of you having some space and clearing through that relationship baggage of yours if you were here with me," she pointed out gently.

"True," he sighed heavily, "but it would be a helluva lot more fun…"

She chuckled, her mind painting all sorts of vivid images, "Oh yeah?"

"You betcha."

"What kind of things would we be doing?" she braved asking, her heart rate picking up, amazed she was brave enough to try this.

She heard his chuckle down the phone as he released a puff of air, "As much as I'd _love_ to have this conversation I'm smart enough not to, you forget I've gotta share sleeping quarters with your brother tonight."

"Ew, point taken."

"But when I get back that's another matter, tomorrow we can discuss all the kind of things that we wanna do to each other... aw crap, I think the others have finally found me, I should probably go."

"What are you doing tonight?" she asked, both curious and wanting to keep the conversation going that little bit longer.

"Oh Joey wants to go drink beer…much like he has done for most of the day, but hey, whatever."

She chuckled, "Well...have a good time."

"Yeah...I'll try to," he muttered, "I'll er, I'll see you tomorrow, check on what you've done to the apartments."

"I think you'll be pleasantly pleased," she promised. "It's been 'Monica organized'. Have a good night."

"You too...and remember you have permission to sleep with Humut in bed tonight...if you need a substitute me."

She smiled fondly, "I'll remember that, thank you."

"Ok then," he sighed, clearly reluctant to finish the call as well, "I guess I better sign off. G'night Mon."

"Night Chandler," she replied just as softly before setting the phone back into its cradle, with a soft smile fixed on her face.

* * *

The next evening Monica sat on her bed, reading the same book from yesterday but unable to fully lose herself in it. Her eyes kept darting to the alarm clock on her bedside table, willing it to slow down. The bright red numbers showed it was getting later and later and she had really been hoping that Chandler would have been back by now but as each minute ticked by she lost a little bit of hope that he would stop by.

She struggled to read another few pages but still her concentration wasn't happening, her thoughts too focussed on the man she was missing. As her eyes grew tired and she found herself just staring at the same page for several minutes she debated whether or not to admit defeat and turn in when she heard a soft knock.

Her breath held in anticipation as his head popped around the door soon followed by the rest of him.

"Hey," he grinned, his eyes had a spark and a little cute grin was on his face and her heart honestly skipped a beat at the sight. "I saw your light was still on, sorry it's so late, Joey made us pull over and then Ross found some damn candy and then..."

"It's fine," she smiled, her eyes still drinking him in, he was obviously fresh out of the shower, his hair still slightly damp and sticking up at angles. "I'm glad you're here," she promised, standing up and holding out a hand to him in invitation.

Not needing any further encouragement he smiled excitedly, closing the door behind him and stepping further into the room. Eagerly he accepted her hand, using it to tug her to him. She let herself be pulled against him, savoring the anticipation as he stared into her eyes for just a second before he crashed his lips to hers. Her surprised gasp was swallowed as his lips desperately caressed hers and she could only melt against him, letting his arms come around her and hold her tight.

It felt so amazing and she felt light headed, so giddy that this was real, that this was actually happening. Her hands gripped the back of his head, her fingers running through the wet strands as she held it in place, kissing back just as hungrily. His groan caused an answering one of her own, feeling his hands roaming the back of her gown.

Eventually needing to breath they broke apart, their breaths ragged, their chests heaving as they stared at each other, their arms still holding each other close.

"Told you I missed you," he grinned before leaning to kiss her again.

Again it was intense, passion cursing through her veins and her body tingling with desire.

"I know we should probably slow this down," Chandler admitted pulling away, his hands cupping her face as he continued to stare into her eyes, "but I really don't want to."

A smile spread across her face as she stared at him. There was no doubt in either of their eyes.

"Good," was all she was able to get out before his mouth claimed hers again.

So many emotions were crashing through her, her heart beating almost painfully in her chest as she felt his hands tug at her gown. It slithered to the floor revealing her black lace lingerie, revealing she had been secretly hoping they would do more than discuss the things they wanted to do with each other.

"God, Mon," he breathed, drinking her in before pulling her harder to him, his lips placing kisses across her jaw and then trailing down her neck as his hands explored the feel of the lace covering her lower back.

Goosebumps prickled against her skin and it was hard to concentrate with the delicious feelings he was evoking within her but she pulled at his shirt, desperately needing to feel his bare skin. He helped her remove it and she almost sighed in pleasure when her hands were able to caress his naked chest. He hissed before seeking out her lips, kissing her deeply as he blindly led her to the bed both eager to spend their first night together, a night of exploration and celebration.

* * *

A/N: Thanks again so so much for your comments! I love reading what you guys think. There's just one chapter to go now...


	11. Chapter 11

Monica awoke, confused for a moment to be in her old bedroom and with company, although it only took seconds to remember who that company was. As he stirred beside her she automatically smiled, a rush of warmth going through her.

"Morning handsome," she whispered, watching as he opened his wonderfully blue eyes.

"Morning yourself," he murmured, a smile already touching his lips as his eyes met hers, taking her in. "I almost can't believe this is real," he admitted. "Tell me it wasn't all a dream."

"It's real," she chuckled, delicately running a fingertip to trace over his cheek and slightly stubbled jaw.

"Good, I'm very glad to hear that," with a smile threatening to break his face in two he captured her finger, placing a gentle kiss against it before using it to pull her closer, kissing her sweetly and she sighed contentedly.

"I could stay like this all day," she admitted against his soft lips.

"Me too," he agreed, kissing her again, "Want me to pull a sickie?"

"Maybe," she giggled as his hand crept up her side, tickling slightly before skimming a breast and then caressing her back; at the same time his lips moved to her neck and managed to quickly find _that_ spot which made her gasp. "Make that definitely."

He pulled away with a proud grin, "That can be arranged Miss Geller," he promised before meeting her lips once more.

Closing her eyes she let herself get lost in the feelings he was creating, enjoying the sensations that were cursing through her body.

Suddenly there was loud banging on the door, startling them both as they pulled away from each other breathless.

"You switched our apartments?" came the incredulous shout through the door.

"I was wondering how long it would take him to notice," Chandler muttered, rolling his eyes although despite his frustration at being interrupted he had a hint of a smile.

"I'll be out in a minute," Monica called back, "and I'll make you a special breakfast to compensate you over the apartment switch?"

There was a long pause and Monica and Chandler shared a look awaiting the verdict.

"Fine," came the eventual agreement. "But don't wait too long, there's hungry people out here."

That comment sent dread through Moncia as she looked directly at her beside clock, the digital numbers confirming her fear, "Crap!"

"What?" he frowned, his hand lazily reaching for hers. "What's the matter?"

"How are we going to get you out of here?"

His frown deepened, "I don't wanna get out of here," he protested, weaving his fingers with hers, still not joining her in her panicked frenzied state. "And if I did I'd use the door like a normal human being."

"Chandler, we need to get you out of here before Ross arrives and sees you," she explained.

"Ah," he finally understood her worry but surprisingly still didn't join her like she expected. Instead he screwed up his face almost apologetically as he shrugged, "that's, uh not really so much of an issue."

It was her turn to frown, "What do you mean? He'll kill you, actually kill you dead!"

He shook his head.

"Chandler?"

"I kinda may have mentioned...stuff to him while we were away."

She looked at him perplexed, "Stuff?" she challenged confused.

"Ok, more like everything," he clarified.

"Really?" she asked surprised, her hands leaving his to pretend to search his bare chest for injuries. "And you came back unharmed?"

He chuckled, recapturing her hand, "He took it rather well actually."

"How?" she was very curious to hear how he'd managed that.

"Well," he threaded his fingers through hers, playing with them gently. "When we were fishing he kept asking what happened between me and Emily and eventually I just came out and told him, ya know man to man...or well, me to paleontologist, anyhow," he shrugged. "I needed him to know Monica. Us getting together, this is big and I don't want it to end anytime soon especially not through early death if he were to walk in on us or something.

"Besides, he's not just your brother, he's my oldest friend and it's important to me that he knows from the outset and understands that I'm not just messing around with you. I needed him to know my side of things and whilst he was surprised at first he listened, understood. Sure, I think it helped knowing that Emily is single now but still..."

"Wow," she smiled, "I can't believe you spoke to him and he was ok...So wait everyone knows? T-this is actually happening?"

"I sure hope so," he chuckled, rolling them over and she gasped as his body suddenly pressed hers into the mattress.

She closed her eyes, enjoying his weight as his lips captured hers kissing her deeply and she moaned slightly, her hands moving to his hair before they were rudely interrupted by another loud knock.

"Breakfast isn't gonna cook itself," came Joey's impatient voice causing Chandler to curse quietly before eventually he started to chuckle.

Monica began to chuckle too as he rested his forehead against hers, "So much for that," he grumbled, causing her to chuckle harder.

"Hey!" came the loud voice through the door, clearly unimpressed at being ignored.

"We'll be out in second!" Chandler shouted back at his roommate before he looked back at Monica, his face softening as his hand reached up, his knuckles gently brushing across her cheek. "I guess we better get up, deal with them and then we can maybe come back in here and make it worth while pulling that sickie?"

"I'm not gonna say no to that," she promised, pressing her lips to his for a final chaste kiss before they reluctantly untangled and got up.

Monica grabbed a robe, tying the ribbon around her waist as she watched him throw on his creased t-shirt and boxers before nodding.

"Ready to face the wolves...I mean friends?" he grinned cheekily.

"Yeah," she sighed, remembering the numerous boyfriends she'd been scared to introduce to them over the years; it had always been Chandler's opinion she had counted on the most and it was weird to think his review wouldn't happen this time. Unless he weirdly reviewed himself, which was quite possible. "I guess I'm ready."

Still grinning he reached for her hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze, "It'll be fine. They all know about us anyhow, right? This is just us affirming it. No big deal."

She scoffed, sharing a look with him, knowing it really wasn't ever that simple when it came to their particular friend group.

"Sure, no big deal," she smiled, letting him pull her to the bedroom door. "It'll be fine."

Sharing a nod and a smile, they tightened their grip on the others' hand, took a final deep breath and pushed open the door. Monica cringed as it instantly fell silent and four pairs of eyes snapped onto them.

It was Chandler that pulled them forward, trying to act casual.

"Morning all!" he chirped.

"Morning," Phoebe grinned back amused, watching as they approached the kitchen, "Aww look at you two."

Monica tried not to blush, a quick glance at Chandler revealed he was very much in the same boat, which made him look even more adorable than his sticking up hair and rumpled clothes already did.

"Yeah, I've gotta admit it," Rachel smiled, "You two look damn cute together."

"Cute?" Ross pulled a noticable face, clearly getting used to the fact his best friend had just come out of his little sister's bedroom. "Cute?"

"Ummm..." they shared a worried look.

Luckily, it was Joey that saved them.

"Can we do this later? I'm starving here! Feed me!"

Grinning, Monica squeezed Chandler's hand before heading for the kitchen. As she prepared breakfast he sat with the others at the table, shooting her little glances which caused her insides to do little somersaults and a not so little smile to appear on her face which she couldn't shake off, not that she really wanted to.

"It's soo good to finally see you guys together," Phoebe commented during breakfast as Monica perched on his lap and again she couldn't help but grin.

"I think so too," she agreed with a smile, trying to forget the months of heartache and struggles she'd gone through as she placed a peck of a kiss on Chandler's willing lips.

"Yeah, I just wished she'd clued me in sooner," Chandler admitted, tightening his hold around her in silent comfort.

"I knew you liked her too, ya know," Rachel insisted still watching them. "It was pretty obvious."

"Guilty as charged," he shrugged, his thumb brushing over her hip. "I've liked her for a helluva long time."

She smiled at him, still unable to believe that this thing between them was mutual and no longer a one-sided crush.

"Hey, I didn't have a clue either of you liked each other at all," Joey frowned slightly. "How come no one told me?"

"I didn't know anything either," Ross pointed out around a mouthful of waffle.

"It was a girl thing," Phoebe clarified winking at Monica. "Although, I'm surprised you're taking it this well," she frowned at Ross. "I mean considering who it is and all."

"Hey!" Chandler pouted slightly, which Monica found even more adorable, giving into her urge to kiss his bottom lip, which caused it to turn up into a smile.

"I meant that it's his best friend and his sister. I thought he'd be way more freaked out than this."

"It's a little strange," Ross admitted, shooting them a quick glance, "but Chandler talked to me while we were away and I'm happy for them, I just gotta get used to it. Besides, now that Chandler's dating Monica it means Emily is single."

Rachel snorted, causing Ross to shoot daggers at her, "What?"

"Nothing," Rachel shrugged innocently, "I just can't imagine her dating you. I mean you aren't exactly known for your adventures. You'd have to get your ear pierced and go on spontaneous trips to places and I just can't see you being that...romantic."

"Hey, I was romantic with you!" he protested.

Chandler rolled his eyes as Monica rested her head against his. She'd hoped with both Joshua and Emily potentially on the scene that the white flag might be waved if even just momentarily. It didn't seem like that was about to happen.

"I've gotta go for my first appointment," Phoebe interrupted their argument as she stood up, "but congratulations again guys," she came over and enveloped them into a mini group hug before whispering, "And if you ever end up like them I'll kick your butts."

"We won't, I promise mom," Chandler grinned, placing a kiss to Monica's head for good measure as he silently vowed to do everything in his power to ensure this thing between them worked.

A full and content Joey was next to go, leaving the couple and the former couple together. As Ross and Rachel continued to bicker, she felt Chandler's lips close to her ear, his warm breath tickling her skin, causing instant goosebumps.

"Think they'd notice if we escaped back to bed?" he whispered.

She grinned, about to answer when Joey burst back into the apartment, giddy with obvious excitement.

"You ok, Joe?" Chandler queried curious.

"Free porn!" he exclaimed, causing the other four to exchange glances before looking back to him. "Free porn!" he repeated still bouncing from the discovery.

"Where?" Ross pried confused.

"In the apartment," Joey gestured eagerly behind him. "Free porn!"

"Yeah we understand that, but how?" Chandler joined the questions.

"I don't know, the tv wasn't working after the move, so I was hitting random buttons on the remote and...free porn!"

Without waiting for any further conversation he ran back out gleefully, leaving the apartment door wide open.

"Awesome," Ross hurriedly got up to investigate the claim.

"You know who doesn't watch porn? My new boyfriend Joshua."

"He's lying," Ross mocked, quickly leaving.

"He is not!" she called standing up and following him across the hall in protest.

Silence.

They were alone.

"You can go watch it too if you like?" Monica offered.

"Are you kidding?" Chandler shook his head, pulling her up. "I don't need porn, I've got the world's hottest girlfriend and what appears to be an empty apartment."

As he wiggled his eyebrows playfully, giving her a little shimmy she giggled before he captured her lips, pulling her against his chest. Arms around each other they hurriedly made it into her bedroom, the door closing firmly behind them to keep out any nosey friends.

Right now she didn't want to think of her friends. No, all she could think at this precise moment in time was the gorgeous man currently embracing her, the man whose lips were making her feel so cherished she could cry right now.

All the heart ache she'd gone through these last few months had been worth it. She was so grateful she hadn't given up or tried to move on from her crush otherwise she'd be missing out on this.

Missing out on being in a relationship with Chandler.

~o0o~

Epilogue

"I can't believe we're here," Monica exclaimed, staring up at the foreign landscape surrounding her, her arms resting on the metal railing of the bridge.

"I know," Chandler agreed, his chin on her shoulder, his arms around her in a lazy embrace. "It's been a crazy few months, huh?"

"That's an understatement," she chuckled.

"Only your brother and Rachel would have a shot gun wedding all the way in London."

Whilst Monica and Chandler's relationship had been slowly blossoming over the last two years, the Ross and Rachel saga had been continuing in the background. With Joshua out of the way and nothing happening with Emily, the pair eventually decided to give it another try. Things were going well with the couple when Rachel suddenly discovered she was pregnant. Wanting to get hitched before the baby came and wanting to fulfil her dream of marrying abroad before the pregnancy prevented her from flying, everyone had chipped in to help them hurriedly plan and organise things in the tight window.

"I know," Monica snorted, pleased to be allowed these few hours after the rehearsal dinner to relax before the chaos of tomorrow. "I can't believe we are actually here in London though with Ross and Rachel's wedding tomorrow - there were times over the years when I thought this day would never come."

"Yeah," Chandler agreed softly, pleased for his friends.

"And, unlike at his last wedding my parents can't make me feel bad about myself," she smiled. "I'm in an amazing relationship with an amazing man."

"You cheating on me?" he teased.

As she chuckled he brushed his lips against her ear, "I think you're pretty amazing too," he promised. "Really amazing in fact." He looked across the river, taking in the historic monuments before taking a deep breath. "Mon?"

His voice was hesitant causing her to frown and look up at him, taking her eyes off the night time view in front of her, "Hmm?"

"Are you?" he coughed, wetting his lips and shuffling his feet instantly warning her he was suddenly uncomfortable. She just couldn't work out why, "I mean..."

"Chandler?" she twisted fully in his embrace, her hands on his chest as he became her sole focus. "Hey, what is it?"

"I just...are you...annoyed that it's them and not us?"

She blinked, her mouth forming an 'o', she hadn't expected him to ask that.

"Annoyed's not the right word," she said gently, trying to find the right word. It was difficult. "I...I'm happy for them," she admitted, "Really happy for them and sure I want all this someday, to be married to you and have children together...but I get you wanna takes things at a slower pace and that's ok. I love our relationship, I love you and that's all that's important just now. I know it will happen."

He offered her a sweet smile, "So you aren't...sad...like when Ben was born?"

"Not really," she confessed. "Back then it all felt so hopeless, I had no plan. Now I have something way better than a plan...you. None of this feels out of reach anymore...it feels like I'm on a the right path...we're on the right path."

"We are," he agreed, smiling. "We really are," his smile was infectious, his eyes shining, "I can't imagine being with anyone else, Mon. You'e my whole world, the one person that gets me, but its more than that. You don't just understand me but you...you _make_ me, you complete me."

She swallowed, blinking back tears, he always managed to make her feel so loved.

"And you complete me," she promised. "I couldn't imagine not being with you."

He was staring into her eyes and she let him, let him search and hopefully find whatever he needed.

"I have a confession," he whispered.

"What?" she asked in the same hushed tone.

"I've uh," he swallowed a lump that was suddenly in his dry throat, "I've got a dilemma."

"What is it?" she asked worried.

"See, uh, I've been carrying something around with me for the last few weeks, something rather precious and I've been waiting for that perfect moment, that perfect place to offer it to you," his voice cracked as he looked nervous, "I w-wanted it to be special, like you deserve, something you'll always remember," Monica's heart beat started to pick up as she desperately studied his face. Did he mean...could he mean?

"And see, " he continued, his voice still full of emotion, "I now feel like I've found this beautiful setting. I know it's the perfect place but damn it I know it's not the perfect time. It's our best friends wedding tomorrow and I don't wanna steal anyone's thunder, I don't...but I don't wanna wait any longer either. So...what do I do?"

Her eyes were welling up as she shakily smiled up at him, "It, uh wouldn't be stealing anyone's thunder if we didn't tell anyone..."

He couldn't help but chuckle through the nerves, a large smile coming to his face, "You honestly think you'd be able to keep it secret?"

"Yes," Monica answered, desperate to say 'yes' to another question. "We could keep it between ourselves, just while we're in London of course. It can be our secret."

"I'd like that," he swallowed, "It can be our thing."

She nodded smiling anxiously.

"And if they find out we can blame London, being in a foreign romantic country."

"Ok," he smiled back softly, wetting his lips before clearing his throat and preparing himself. "Ok," he said more to himself this time as he stepped back, his hand fishing into his jacket pocket as he got down on one knee in front of her.

The world around them slowed down, it was just the two of them caught in this moment. Even though she knew it was coming, her breath still caught in her throat and her heart beat wildly. Adrenaline and so many emotions, joy, happiness, excitement, shock ran through her simultaneously as her eyes fixed on the man of her dreams.

Slowly his hand stretched out towards her, the small diamond on the ring catching the streetlight and sparkling.

It was the perfect moment.

The perfect place.

The perfect time.

"Monica," he swallowed again, barely controlling his own emotions, "You're my world, you're so much more than I can put into words. I love you so much and promise to spend the rest of my life trying to make you as happy as you make me every single day," he swallowed, whispering, "I love you so much."

"I love you too," she swallowed, tears running freely down her face but she was too captivated by the moment to notice them.

His eyes met hers and held them, all sorts of messages passing between them of love and friendship.

"Marry me?" he choked out.

"Yes!" she practically sobbed as with shaking fingers and hands he managed to get the ring on her finger before she pulled him up and into a fierce embrace. "Yes," she whispered again into his ear as his arms tightly squeezed her waist, "yes!"

Moments later their familiar lips crashed together, sparks flying as they found and caressed each other as they shared their first kiss as an engaged couple. They clung to one another as they reassured themselves that this magical moment was real, that they were going to be together for life. Forever.

As they continued their embrace Big Ben chimed behind them, proudly celebrating the new chapter in their lives.

London time was just beginning...

The End

* * *

A/N: I'm sorry for how long it took to update and finish this one off- thank you for being patient with me :o). I rewrote the epilogue a few times and I'm still not sure if it worked but I wanted to give them their moment in London...even if it was a very different moment to the show!

Anyhow, thanks so much for sticking with this one and I would love to hear any final thoughts.


End file.
